had you ever known truths, it would be these.
I’m afraid it’s time I’ve left you. I’ve been slowly working away from this blog, and I’m just not in it anymore. Maybe it’s the people, maybe it’s the comments, maybe I’ve just moved on. Regardless, I must go. I do not belong here in my past any longer.
Enjoy your life, all of you.
My best wishes,
The Cartographer
this is what being careful does to a person. it sets them up exactly where they are supposed to be at exactly the right time. if i wasn’t fighting with this person, then maybe i wouldn’t have spoken to this other person. if i was out with them, then i would have never been home to run into him. i am breathing despite all the chaos that whirls around me. it must be that whole “calm before the storm” . and if not, then maybe i can just see through the craziness these days. maybe i can just see the things that matter these days.
maybe i should have accepted his poorly thought out apology. maybe because he finally decided to text me after countless months and useless crying sessions, he really meant it. or maybe he just wanted to hang out with us and knew i wouldn’t want to see him. or maybe he knows that he’s leaving in 2 weeks and wants all his affairs in order.
[“i wish you luck with the rest of your life and whatever you strive to be when you decide it. here’s your backpack, please never speak to me again.”]
I wish people weren’t so possessive. I wish people would realize that it’s impossible to “own” someone else. I wish that people didn’t grab hold and suffocate.
I am not meant to be controlled, let alone need controlling. I can shine on my own. Actually, truth be told, I haven’t found a way to shine with someone else. I’m sorry I can’t change and fit with you. But at the same time, I’m not sorry, I just say it because it sounds right. Don’t get comfortable here, I’m telling you for your own good.
Death is nothing at all,
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I, and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me
In the easy way that you always used.
Put no difference in your tone,
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed
At the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
That it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect,
Without the trace of shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was;
There is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
Because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval,
Somewhere very near,
Just around the corner.
All is well.
this was what i was talking about, needing to open my heart to something different. it was one of the moments that you would see in movies. there was a crowd out on the field; dusk had just hit. we were lighting candles for service and i was greeting people i hadn’t seen in some time. he was on the other side of the group, his smile reached from ear to ear as he waved. it had been a little over a year since i had seen or heard from him, and he looked very much the same but older. i crossed the group and went to his side. we talked for a little before going our separate ways. seeing him was nice, but had i not seen him again i don’t think i would have thought anything of it. i texted him later, and as if our lull over the last year hadn’t existed, he responded with the overwhelming enthusiasm i was used to.
we star-gazed in the middle of a dark neighborhood we didn’t know. it was something different, unplanned. something i can’t quite explain. the silence was comfortable but the conversation was addicting. the sky was crystal clear, not like any night i had seen in a long time.
what if i had gone to that party? what if i had decided not to go out? what if i hadn’t been bold enough to insist to see him before he went away? it doesn’t matter, because it happened. and as the stars shot across the sky, i realized it was very much like fate.
“The worst you could do, is be my best. Love is damned. Love is blessed.”
i’d like to thank you for being yourself. and i’d like to help you understand why this was so easy for me to end. i think my friend said it best; and the funny part is that we weren’t even speaking about you.
he said “… it’s like he’s just comfortable. like he could look at another girl and be so much more in love with her than he is with this girlfriend he has. something about that just doesn’t sound right, you shouldn’t want to look at anyone else and picture a life with them. [it should just be that person.]”
you aren’t my world, like i’ve said so many times before and that’s fine. the problem is i don’t want you to be. i don’t want to do girlfriend things for you. i don’t want you to be all boyfriend-ish with me. i’m just too comfortable to let this alone. even at our best we don’t shine. i’m worn and look something like that brushed-gold costume jewelry, as silly as that sounds. but only with you. you’d be amazed to see how much i sparkle and shine when i’m myself. and how much i’m not myself with you.
what made this easy? the “i’m not your boyfriend” comment. so thank you. thank you! notice how it stings when i return the favor of reminding you? as cold and uncaring as it was, it’s the truth. if you can’t console me when i’m hurting, why do i have to coddle you and give you a goodbye? that’s just it, i don’t have to. i’m tired of feeling guilty over nothing. i’m exhausted quite frankly. so save your breath, go off to school and be happy. i really do wish you that. i’m happy where i am especially when you aren’t around. i feel bad that it had to end on a bad note, but i’m not sorry. go be someone else’s something, but remember you left us in ruin. so when you see me shining again, don’t come back on hand and knee. i won’t want you.
love always and deeply,
your cartographer once upon a time
“people are stupid and just want to be loved. it’s the only reason people do anything.”
There it is. A line of absolute truth. It’s not surprising anymore to find songs that scream the words I can’t quite find. The melody doesn’t leave my head and I strain to escape one final truth that crosses my mind at the end of yet another wasteful summer. We have failed yet again, but I’m not unsatisfied like before. This is us and if I expected anything more I’d only be getting my hopes up. I promised not to do that anymore. But don’t flatter yourself sweetheart I meant it as a whole, not just for you; not just about us. Your love isn’t enough anymore, it was too faded and tattered. I want it to be enough.
…honest.
he was mine. for the night he was that boy i remembered. that boy, who even on the bad days, i loved more than air itself. i can’t explain what it is about him, but sometimes he’s just… what i want. he mumbled silly things under his breath when no one was listening and stared at me with those eyes. those eyes i know oh so well.
love—
i used to think it was the act of being in love that was so profound. but that’s not really true at all. it’s the act of falling. that violent stumble that forces you in sync with another human being. as beautiful as love is, without that fall, i feel it isn’t enough. maybe it’s just me, maybe it’s that i haven’t been in love long enough to prove the theory wrong. but that moment when you realize that whatever you may have had, whatever you thought you were doing right before them, doesn’t feel like fully living anymore… well that’s the moment that makes everything else worth it. the fights, the distance, the sheer lack of sanity; it all seems almost miniscule. almost okay.
September 26, 2011
cartographerofyourhair
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