Archive for January, 2011

Well Let’s Start Now Making it Clear Who is the Enemy Here.

I think that it’s really important that people take the time to watch this. And maybe some of you will smirk at parts like I did. Or feel warm by the end of the video. And maybe some of you will stop and realize that facebook isn’t life, or a way of life, or even a large part of life. It is a way to communicate with people but not the only way.

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You’re Gonna Catch a Cold from the Ice Inside Your Soul.

I wonder if it bothers you. I wonder if you’re aching to hear from me. I’m a jealous type of stubborn. I won’t talk to you, refuse to actually, but seeing other people get the attention that once was mine… it angers me. Which is just ridiculous. But I will not break, I won’t say one word. Aside from right here, I won’t even mention it bothering me. Deep down it does, but I only miss you when someone else has your attention, your attraction.

And maybe you do miss me, but maybe you don’t. And maybe we will fix this, but maybe we won’t. Maybe it’s just easier to be apart, but maybe we’re just too stubborn to realize we’d be happy together. Regardless of the maybes, regardless of what should be, could be, or might have been. This is what is. You are who you are. I am who I am. And I’m not looking to change you. Or to have you change me. This is it. Are you ready?

Cuz I, I Feel Lovely Just the Way that I Am.

There is this wonderful boy at Blockbuster. He has eyes that make me melt and talks to me like an old friend even though we don’t know each other’s first names. I’ve been hoping he’ll finally ask me my name but I feel like he’s too polite. And to be honest, I’m so shy that it wouldn’t matter anyway. I keep thinking that maybe I should open up a blockbuster card… but I think I’m afraid that he still won’t really want to be anything more than a polite salesperson.

I think he’s a really great person, just because of our awkward conversations across the store.

 

edit:

the irony is, the second I posted this I knew what my fate would be. He signed me up for a Blockbuster card and I feel like a fool. I’m so embarrassed, but there’s just something about him…

I Just Wanna Bottle the Sun.

Today was brighter than usual. I took a deep breath, applied for another job, went back to the campus to make sure everything was in order, deleted some more text messages that I held onto for too long, and decided it’s about damn time I stop holding onto some sort of nonsense that may not have even existed. You were right when you told me I am what makes me so miserable most of the time. I don’t need to pull myself down to the floor when things go wrong. I have just as much of a right to keep my head above water as the rest of the world.

Someone told me I was beautiful today. You know, those words you always seemed to dread saying. Those words that sat at the edge of your tongue like it was some horrid wrongdoing.

God is giving me an out. God is giving me a way out of my poisonous relationships because I’m not supposed to feel like a bad guy here. This was not my doing. I don’t need to die because of someone else’s mistakes.

[Side note: For those of you that read this and don’t believe in God, that’s full and well with me and should be with the rest of the world. I’m sorry that some people make it so difficult for others to believe what they wish to believe.. I don’t know, I’ve been meaning to say that lately for reasons not worth gossiping about.]

 

I live, I love, I laugh, but most of all..

I care about you.

Drink to all that We have Lost, Mistakes We have Made. Everything will Change.

I don’t miss the past.. I guess it’s just, I feel like I should. Now, that’s not saying I don’t turn around and wonder where we’ve went wrong. I do. I wonder quite often. I just don’t feel a lot of that pain. Maybe I’m numb to it?

Whatever the case, I make plans and I mope about not seeing people. But it’s only when I’m seeing them. Out of sight out of mind, you know? When they’re in front of me I think, ‘Oh I’ve obviously missed you..’ Except now of course.

Now that he’s withdrawn from me, I miss him. Anyone else wouldn’t matter, but I miss him all the damn time. Apparently everyone’s noticed something between us. Now that we’ve made a big mess of everything and we aren’t speaking, everyone is pointing out why he and I were always such a strange friendship. Now. Where were they before Halloween? Where were they when it would have meant I could have saved us. I should have known. I should have known to save us before we created a terrible mess.

I miss you. If you read this, and pick up on all the tidbits that only you know and all the secrets I’ve told you. And if you finally realize this is me talking. And that I’m talking to you, and only you. If you decide that you want to talk to me again. Just know all you have to do is show up and say so. All you have to do is see me and smile. We can fix everything, because the only thing that’s wrong is you not talking to me. I’m sorry if we did something wrong. I’m sorry if I did something. Just come back. I miss you.

Katie, Don’t Cry, I Know You’re Trying Your Hardest.

I don’t really have anything left to say. People keep falling away, and I just don’t want to stop them. It doesn’t even hurt like I feel like it should. Who am I to hold onto? There’s not much left. I guess I’m just writing this so I can look back and see if I was right or not. If I meant that I don’t hurt. Sometimes it just takes a little while, then the numb goes away and I feel that pain that should have been there from the beginning.

Well happy new year. Here’s to hurting less and barely caring.

And I Broke Down ‘Cause I was Tired of Lying.

New Year’s Eve was awful. Well, I guess that’s an exaggeration, but some aspects of it were just terrible. I guess when I had said I wasn’t ready to accept that everything has changed, I really meant it. My friends were terrors. These boys that I had grown up with, loved like my own family..

College has damaged them. Damaged them in the worst way I’ve ever imagined possible. The way they spoke about things that shouldn’t even be joked about.

Abortion of all things. Talking so lowly of girls they once cared for so much. Disgusting. People mess up, and things happen that people are ashamed of. But they have no right to use such slander towards anyone. Anyone. And to bring that up in front of me. I was appalled.

I think they forget I’m a woman some times. I think that they imagine me to be some sort of unchanging being. Like I can’t have friends of the same sex. Like I can’t act feminine. It’s bothersome actually. And last night I had had enough.

I think this is God’s way out. He’s helping me see that it’s okay to let go of people. That sometimes, people change and you can grow apart. That it’s okay to grow apart and not feel the same way anymore.  I feel bad, I hate to just stop being there. I feel bad because I know they do love me.

I hate to leave them alone…