Archive for August, 2010

Two to One, Static to the Sound of You and I. Undone for the Last Time.

Dearest Best Friend,

Look at me, admitting that I messed up big time. While we were off being mad at one another for our feelings, I betrayed you. I suppose I only betrayed you as badly as you betrayed me, maybe even less because your deed had already been done. But that is besides the point. You see, I did exactly what you told me would hurt you the most… I’m sure you already know where I’m going with this. And I’ll get there and say it eventually, but let me get there on my own time. For some reason, this note isn’t quite as easy for me to write as I had thought. I don’t know why. I’m stuck between not feeling as sorry as my head is telling me I should feel and knowing that if I say this, I may really hurt you.

So I hooked up with Something. It was late and at that party that happened the night you left for school. Remember, that day you didn’t even so much as attempt a goodbye? I guess there’s a lot of anger left in me because of you; because of her. Because that ex-girlfriend of yours put me through hell for 17 months. Me. This girl you “love”. Even if that love happened much too fast, you still said it, not me. And then to finally free yourself of her only to go back to her behind my back… It was behind my back, because regardless of the fact that you were going to tell me, you didn’t just say it. It didn’t need to be a delicate situation, you could have just told me you screwed up. You wouldn’t have been the first. But instead you dug yourself a deeper hole because you spent the night, the very next night, with me. You did. I didn’t ask it of you, you just did it.

So the fact that I did all that I did with Something seems insignificant. I didn’t break any sort of unspoken best friend bond, or your heart. I went back to someone who cared for me and as badly as I want to regret it like you regret her, I just don’t. He held me and bit my neck, his lips touched mine and his fingers tangled into my hair.  He held my hand and I held back. Remember telling me if I was with him, you would have been pissed, furious even? That it was different than what you did with her. Why is that? How is it different? I loved him just as much for far longer than your relationship had lasted and just because we never dated doesn’t mean my love was any less significant.

Maybe that’s my point.. my love is not insignificant. Just because you weren’t ready to title anything, it doesn’t make me obsolete. I feel just as much as anybody else. That’s what the point of this is! You hurt me because I can feel. I can feel, maybe even more than the rest of the world. I’ve experienced more loss than I’ve been willing to share with anyone, so I know how to feel. I know that it’s better to feel too much too soon than everything way too late.

Loved too soon,

The Cartographer of the Tangles in Your Hair.


Best Friend,

I’m sorry to say it’s taken me this long not to spite you. I’ve figured it out, finally, honestly. I don’t love you, I don’t actually think I was ever even attracted to you. You see, I fell in love with the idea that you were a boy like you who loved a girl like me and would never hurt me. We could have this adorable fairy tale story and end happily ever after. Forgive me that the child in me ran away with my right mind. Once you proved that you could hurt me. No, that you would hurt me, the idea of  that love just shattered. So I suppose the anger was mostly about the fact that my happily ever after would never happen; at least with you anyways. Now, I’m okay with that. Now, I can accept that and laugh about the idea of us. Can you? I’m not so sure. You seem to get jealous and pout when I talk about boys but you talk about girls all the time. I suppose that’s fair…? I do hope you don’t hold on to the idea of us.

All my love,

The Cartographer of Her Own Cotton-Candy Hair

All of Us are Done For. We Live in a Beautiful World, Yeah We Do.

I found this site the other day. This lovely girl named Asia (or so she signs) writes letters to those she loves/loved. Although most are sad, heartbreaking even, she calls them her love letters.

Yes, this may seem random, but it made me think. I could never send the words I need to say to those I love. Mostly because I know it would break their hearts. But maybe, just maybe I could post them here. Put these oh so needed ‘love letters’ out there so that maybe one day, those I love would come across them and think “That sounds like something she would say to me..”  or “She tried to tell me that once…” and maybe this time they’d listen.

So, it’s worth a shot I suppose, don’t you? There are two people in particular that I’m reaching out to: My Something and My Best Friend. Oh yes, you’ve heard of them here haven’t you? Well, here goes nothing..

Dear Something,

I need to tell you this because it’s been destroying me. I broke up with you for another reason. Yes, it ended because all we did was fight, but recently I realized something. Those fights, the ones I claimed were all your doing, they started because there was someone else in the way of my feelings. Do I blame him? No, no, those were my feelings. It was my fault that I couldn’t decipher the emotions I had towards you and the ones I had towards him. I know if I let his name slip you’ll just nod your head and say “Oh yes, I knew that. That was far too obvious.” And I know you’ll be hurt, but you’ve already heard me say that was never my intention. The break up was real even if the relationship was blurred, it’s the aftermath I’m not proud of. Something, I should have never gone to that party with you. I should have never spoken those sweet words to you, because I knew they meant a lot to you. But to me, they were only words with the faintest glimpse of desire. And I knew that with just a touch, you’d be mine, even if you do sometimes still love her. You see, this other boy was something else and what took you and I months to accomplish took him moments, barely even seconds. But this isn’t about him, this is about you and I and the fact that I betrayed you. I did, because while you were busy trying to protect me, I was handing my heart and a knife over to another boy entirely. But I meant what I said when I told you “I love you”, I just wasn’t in love with you.  The fact of the matter is, it took me settling down with you to realize that. I know you’ll come home and want to see me, or what’s worse, have me come see you… and deep down I know that I would. I would do anything just to please you, including what happened that night. I would even go so far as to say I enjoyed our night because it made you happy, but it was riddled in lies and complications. Remember that drunken slur? I do. You laughed as you kissed my neck, looked into my eyes and said “Does this complicate things?” and I mumbled back “It complicates things more than you know.” I am so sorry.


The Cartographer of Your Hair.

Please Come Now, I Think I’m Falling. I’m Holding onto All I Think is Safe.

I was betrayed. He still doesn’t think so, but I was. My stomach churned, my head swirled. I’m officially worn, torn, and tattered. He told me that if I had done that with my something, he would have been pissed, furious even. And for him that’s acceptable, for me, it’s exaggerating. But it’s okay, he was just my best friend, not my boyfriend or anything, which obviously gives me less rights than the average person. I wouldn’t be nearly as hurt if I had gotten my alone time. If he had just left me alone like I asked it would have been okay. But he had to decide to get smashed and hang on me, hold me, tell me how much he loves me more than her, insist I stay with him so he wasn’t alone. Even under the influence I couldn’t be left to my own devices, my own feelings.

“In some ways, betrayal is inevitable. When our bodies betray us, surgery is often the key to recovery. When we betray each other, the path to recovery is less clear. We do whatever it takes to rebuild the trust that was lost. And then there are some wounds, some betrayals…that are so deep, so profound that there is no way to repair what was lost. And when that happens, there’s nothing left to do but wait.”

I Finally Found a Way Back into Your Stare.

It’s been a few really long weeks since anyone’s heard from me. Not that anyone has noticed, or cared. But here I am after trial upon tribulation. My best friend fell in and out of love with me within that time and I lost and regained my something all at once.

It’s hard to explain, it’s like something’s missing. Like I gained the whole world, lost it, then found a different one only to lose that one and regain the other. My life is far too confusing for my own good. I can’t figure out what I want. I know who I want, but the who doesn’t fit the what and it complicates everything.

It all started with my best friend. He told me he had feelings for me and my mind exploded. No really, I’m not kidding, I felt my brain press against my skull and my eyes shut as I cringed. It’s true what they say you know, that a boy and a girl can never be just friends. And just because that boy and that girl grow up, it doesn’t mean that chance disappears. There has to be some sort of emotion that pulls them together, usually that’s this secret whisper of love. So I had to explain why that complicates things, not that it isn’t what I want but that it’s more difficult than a yes or no. So we tried it out, it wasn’t anything serious, just a whim. I suppose that’s where I went wrong. He ended up hooking up with an ex of his. When he told me, he lost me, his best friend and his “new love”. He sees it as a misunderstanding, something unfair that I don’t have a right to be upset with. So I bit my lip and walked away.

And now here I am turning back to my something who obviously took me back with open arms. And I feel betrayed and hurt, yet I’m betraying this something. This other boy who once had faint whispers of love much like my best friend, until it exploded into bright colors and the smell of summer. I remember those feelings, I loved them until they burned holes through my emotions.