Archive for November, 2010

I Will No Longer be Disciplined by the Frustrations of an Insecure Man.

I put it all out there last night. I knew that those secrets were what was keeping me hanging on for dear life. Like I owed him something for seeing other men without his consent. And as I told him, stomach churning, body shaking from this coldness I felt in my chest, he brushed it off like it was nothing. I know it hurt him, he just won’t admit it. And that’s for the best. I don’t want to know how it hurt him or it didn’t. I just wanted to say my piece or peace, whatever it is. So this morning, as I still lie in bed, I’m overcome with something that feels like peace. Something that feels a little bit like that happiness I’ve been searching for. Because I was honest, I kissed my best friend, and now I owe that Something of a Boy nothing. Because I didn’t want a boy like that holding me down. I’m ready to erase him, locked texts, memories and all. He can just be some boy I meet on the bus. Because people get hurt, and they move on, and hearing the other’s name won’t hurt anymore. It will just settle somewhere at the bottom of their brain until it eventually fades out.

I’m holding my breath for December. December tends to bring about the best kinds of love. The love that’s as pure as the snow that our feet imprint.

It’s Only the Air You Took and the Breath You Left.

i want you to know that it’s you. i am not psychotic. and in my first sentence, i didn’t mean you were. what i mean to say is: this isn’t me. this problem we always have isn’t because of me. (now listen closely to my next few words) it’s about you. every time i’m about ready to move on, you freak out. i understand you need me. i get that. and you’re afraid that i may find someone better out there, because let’s be honest, i’m sure there’s someone better than you out there. i don’t doubt that at all. in fact, i’ve found quite a few of them. but no where in those last few lines did i ever say i wanted to be with them.

fact is, you treat me like shit. you treat me like shit and i still stick around. and those times that i don’t, you crawl right back to me. why? why not just treat me right? if you didn’t do these things in the first place, we wouldn’t fight.

i’m not saying it’s just you. i’m not saying i’m not a bitch. i am a bitch. i protect myself with walls that are way too high to be healthy and i won’t admit i need you. and i know that kills you. and secretly i think it’s the only thing that keeps you coming back. so i hold on to that secret for dear life. as long as you won’t miss me, i won’t need you.

but beyond that, the fact is: we survive. every single time. we somehow survive.

 

maybe that’s something we should stop doing..

 

“I called
Because
I just
Need to feel you on the line
Don’t hang up this time
And I know it was me who called it over but
I still wish you’d fought me ’til your dying day
Don’t let me get away

The More I Try to Erase You the More That You Appear

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. a movie far beyond what mere words can describe.

the smartest thing i could have done was to watch it early in the morning. my mind can wrap around such things in the darker hours. i’d beg to make him disappear from my mind. it’d be a great vacation but deep down i know once those people began erasing him, i’d fight like hell to hide him somewhere safe. i could never give him up. i want to so badly. i want to be the person who means she’s okay when she says so. i just can’t. he’s a terror. he’s the kind of man every woman should run clear away from. i just can’t.

…i just won’t.

 

“When I like a person, I actually like them.
It’s not one of those three day crush type
things. It is hardcore, can’t get my mind off
them, thing. And that’s why I haven’t liked
all that many people. But I eventually get
over them when I find someone new. But
with him, no matter who I find, I can’t erase
him. He’s going to be the one I’ll always like.”

I’m Running Out of Air; Break Me Out!

I think he said it best last night:

“You really can’t hold a conversation with me without being bitter can you? It’s that hard.”

granted, I do believe he was drinking despite his denial.

and I think I responded the best way I knew how:

“i used to be able to. at one point.”

it is. it is incredibly hard to hold any sort of conversation with that boy without hurting even a little. but last night, i was hardly bitter. last night, i don’t even recall being angry. but while i responded to his incessant curses and mockeries of me, i was the one being a psycho. with him, it’s always me. and had it not been for my last encounter, i may still be holding onto him in a way i know i should have buried years ago.

look, i don’t want to be with you anymore. not everything is about you. not every word i say is a flirtation, nor are they angry tones if you can’t pick out a slight hint of excitement. that nothingness, the feelings you can’t pick up anymore, it bothers you and i can tell. but saying that or acting on that anger won’t get you anywhere with me. you should know that by now.

i’ve moved on darling, you aren’t the last thought in my head at night. i don’t wonder how you’re doing or if you’re thinking of me anymore. actually, the only time i think of you is when i pull your sweatshirt out of the back of my closet because the others are dirty. i don’t hate you, i just don’t love you anymore either. i still care for you, a part of me will always care for you, we both know that as fact. but you can’t keep trying to drag that part out of me and mold it into something more. you’ve miss your chance my dear. it’s sad too, because we could have been great. we were great. but without you, i’m just as good as i was before. i’m not broken or wounded. i’m not depressed or enraged. i am as i was before, on my own. only now i’ve seen us, and i’m okay with what isn’t.

 

November, Came Down Hard This Year.

“Why? All I want is to run away to be with you. Request denied – always. I would attempt a trust fall, had I not been left to fall on my own in the past. The cruelest song lyric I’ve ever thought about was that Better Midler song. “It must have been cold there in my shadow; to never have sunlight on your face.”

[Such fantastic advice earlier… from an alias.] Confusion? Stress test? If so, It’s working. If so. I can’t tell. You know exactly who I am and exactly how to reach me openly if you felt like it. You know precisely why I have been cautious about protecting you from me and you know precisely how I tick and precisely how much I love you. ND, right twinnie?

I see how fabulous you are at protecting yourself. Go ahead… erase me. I dislike putting horns against arrows but I can’t seem to get past one irrefutable concept. Which is to say that if you were ever serious about loving me back, there would be irrefutable evidence. Not seeming resentment over my concerns about maintaining a residence.

I don’t care about “stuff.” I cared about us… until I hear confirmation that you only have room for you. My heart breaks in two. You wonder why I have trust issues. And yet I love you anyway. I’m weak, I guess. Tired too. ❤

Tomorrow is a new day. Sleep well and then let’s start anew, Sweetheart. GN. (back-rub)”

i’d like to say he wrote this. i’d like to say he planted it on the site he so clearly knows i visit religiously. i’d like to say that this is what i’ve always wanted, for him to admit he needs me, loves me. i’d like to say that after all these years and all the battles i would still willingly feel the same way i always have.

alas, he’s lost me once more. all because he’s unwilling to say any of this to my face. i’m weak and tired too, but there’s one thing i no longer am: undeniably in love with you.

I’m the Hero of this Story, I Don’t Need to be Saved.

it’s not supposed to work this way. i’m not supposed to smile when i think of him. i’m not supposed to wait expectantly for a text from him or a call. i’m not supposed to be excited that he’s coming home in 11 days. i’m not supposed to know it’s 11 days at all.

i need no one. no one. and now there’s him. dammit all.