She Whispers to Me “I was Meant to be Free. This Life that We Built is Deadly.”

There it is. A line of absolute truth. It’s not surprising anymore to find songs that scream the words I can’t quite find. The melody doesn’t leave my head and I strain to escape one final truth that crosses my mind at the end of yet another wasteful summer. We have failed yet again, but I’m not unsatisfied like before. This is us and if I expected anything more I’d only be getting my hopes up. I promised not to do that anymore. But don’t flatter yourself sweetheart I meant it as a whole, not just for you; not just about us. Your love isn’t enough anymore, it was too faded and tattered. I want it to be enough.

…honest.

 

Advertisements

My Heart’s a Stereo, it Beats for You so Listen Close.

he was mine. for the night he was that boy i remembered. that boy, who even on the bad days, i loved more than air itself. i can’t explain what it is about him, but sometimes he’s just… what i want. he mumbled silly things under his breath when no one was listening and stared at me with those eyes. those eyes i know oh so well.

This Could be the Very Minute I’m Aware I’m Alive. All these Places feel like Home.

love—

i used to think it was the act of being in love that was so profound. but that’s not really true at all. it’s the act of falling. that violent stumble that forces you in sync with another human being. as beautiful as love is, without that fall, i feel it isn’t enough. maybe it’s just me, maybe it’s that i haven’t been in love long enough to prove the theory wrong. but that moment when you realize that whatever you may have had, whatever you thought you were doing right before them, doesn’t feel like fully living anymore… well that’s the moment that makes everything else worth it. the fights, the distance, the sheer lack of sanity; it all seems almost miniscule. almost okay.

And Maybe then We’ll Remember to Slow Down to all of Our Favorite Parts.

i knew that a boy would be a distraction. God knew that a boy would be a distraction. and i don’t spite Him for the way He’s laid things out. i was meant to work on school; work on a degree. i needed to be able to focus on three jobs and not feel guilty for all the time they would demand. i needed to know it would be okay not to focus my life around someone but instead to focus on my future. a future that is very important to not only me, but my family.

overall, i just needed to know that what i want is important and that it will all be okay.

Nevermind, I’ll find Someone like You. I Wish Nothing but the Best for You too. Don’t Forget Me, I Beg.

How incredibly honest songs can be. How outward and forthright. I wish I could be that honest with him. I wish I could look him in the eyes and fully explain just how much pain I’m in because of him. There are other people, other men in fact, that love me far more than he has the capacity to express. I’m not looking for grand gestures. I’m not looking for perfection wrapped in a nice little bow or even a promise of forever. I’m looking for his walls to settle, maybe just a tad. I’m looking for his words to be slightly softer and his feelings for me more defined. Not to the world; just to me. All you have to do is be honest with me, nothing more, nothing less.

I’m not looking to be your world. I’m just looking to be a part of your life; if only for a moment.

And Me, Who’s so Well Versed is Feeling so Damn Empty.

i hate you! god dammit, i hate you so much! stop, just stop. i don’t want you to be charming in person and an asshole online.

mind games, they’re all mind games, always are. and they only work when i’m stupid enough to trust you again. you know, i’m actually a great person. i care about people and smile a lot, and considering all the crap i’ve been through in the last 5 years, i’m genuinely happy. and then there’s you, i don’t know what you do to me, but my god you bring out the very worst in me. you make me this horrible person that i hate. and i try so hard not to hate, and not to be angry with people before i go to bed but it’s like you feed off of it. and i’m wasting my time trying to fix you because you aren’t broken, you want to be this way, all cold and untrusting. but i do really like you, when you aren’t making me miserable.

My Problem with Me is My Problem with You. It doesn’t take much for Me to Come Unglued.

i felt it all over again; that overwhelming magnification of emotion. the love, the lust, the rage; it all flooded into my soul as he touched my arm. my arm! i was enveloped and i hadn’t even been drinking yet. he watched me from across the room and our eyes locked. i knew, i knew that i was done for because he and i can’t stop whatever this is. regardless of the fact that i am unhappy 96% of the time with him, that 4% is deadly. so as i drank i got angry with him, with myself, with the fact that i can’t learn my lesson. the anger only makes it worse and i know that, it causes this awful pull to his being and i can’t break free.

they were playing some dumb game and i stood on the side opposite him, arms crossed and watched. he stared, like he couldn’t help himself. i never understood why he does that. finally everyone was ready to crash and of course we ended up next to each other, just like every time before. i avoided his eyes, knowing what was coming. i had hoped that if i kept my distance we would fall asleep and it would all be over in the morning, it always ended in the morning. he had other plans and i was quickly swimming in memories i had long since forgotten.

it’s not that i can’t save myself, it’s that i don’t want to.