Archive for August, 2011

But You’re Wrong, I Don’t Belong to You.

I wish people weren’t so possessive. I wish people would realize that it’s impossible to “own” someone else. I wish that people didn’t grab hold and suffocate.

I am not meant to be controlled, let alone need controlling. I can shine on my own. Actually, truth be told, I haven’t found a way to shine with someone else. I’m sorry I can’t change and fit with you. But at the same time, I’m not sorry, I just say it because it sounds right. Don’t get comfortable here, I’m telling you for your own good.

Take this Life and Hold it by the Hand.

Death is nothing at all,
I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I, and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me
In the easy way that you always used.

Put no difference in your tone,
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed
At the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
That it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect,
Without the trace of shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was;
There is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
Because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you, for an interval,
Somewhere very near, 
Just around the corner.

All is well.

-Henry Scott Holland (1847-1918)
it was beautiful— just like you.

My Hands are Shaking, I’m Your’s for the Taking don’t You Hesitate.

this was what i was talking about, needing to open my heart to something different. it was one of the moments that you would see in movies. there was a crowd out on the field; dusk had just hit. we were lighting candles for service and i was greeting people i hadn’t seen in some time. he was on the other side of the group, his smile reached from ear to ear as he waved. it had been a little over a year since i had seen or heard from him, and he looked very much the same but older. i crossed the group and went to his side. we talked for a little before going our separate ways. seeing him was nice, but had i not seen him again i don’t think i would have thought anything of it. i texted him later, and as if our lull over the last year hadn’t existed, he responded with the overwhelming enthusiasm i was used to.

we star-gazed in the middle of a dark neighborhood we didn’t know. it was something different, unplanned. something i can’t quite explain. the silence was comfortable but the conversation was addicting. the sky was crystal clear, not like any night i had seen in a long time.

what if i had gone to that party? what if i had decided not to go out? what if i hadn’t been bold enough to insist to see him before he went away? it doesn’t matter, because it happened. and as the stars shot across the sky, i realized it was very much like fate.


“The worst you could do, is be my best. Love is damned. Love is blessed.”

Rusty Denim Never Felt so Good. Morning Hair Without a Care; Would You Ever be so Lucky?

i’d like to thank you for being yourself. and i’d like to help you understand why this was so easy for me to end. i think my friend said it best; and the funny part is that we weren’t even speaking about you.

he said “… it’s like he’s just comfortable. like he could look at another girl and be so much more in love with her than he is with this girlfriend he has. something about that just doesn’t sound right, you shouldn’t want to look at anyone else and picture a life with them. [it should just be that person.]”

you aren’t my world, like i’ve said so many times before and that’s fine. the problem is i don’t want you to be. i don’t want to do girlfriend things for you. i don’t want you to be all boyfriend-ish with me. i’m just too comfortable to let this alone. even at our best we don’t shine. i’m worn and look something like that brushed-gold costume jewelry, as silly as that sounds. but only with you. you’d be amazed to see how much i sparkle and shine when i’m myself. and how much i’m not myself with you.

what made this easy? the “i’m not your boyfriend” comment. so thank you. thank you! notice how it stings when i return the favor of reminding you? as cold and uncaring as it was, it’s the truth. if you can’t console me when i’m hurting, why do i have to coddle you and give you a goodbye? that’s just it, i don’t have to. i’m tired of feeling guilty over nothing. i’m exhausted quite frankly. so save your breath, go off to school and be happy. i really do wish you that. i’m happy where i am especially when you aren’t around. i feel bad that it had to end on a bad note, but i’m not sorry. go be someone else’s something, but remember you left us in ruin. so when you see me shining again, don’t come back on hand and knee. i won’t want you.

love always and deeply,

your cartographer once upon a time

“people are stupid and just want to be loved. it’s the only reason people do anything.”

She Whispers to Me “I was Meant to be Free. This Life that We Built is Deadly.”

There it is. A line of absolute truth. It’s not surprising anymore to find songs that scream the words I can’t quite find. The melody doesn’t leave my head and I strain to escape one final truth that crosses my mind at the end of yet another wasteful summer. We have failed yet again, but I’m not unsatisfied like before. This is us and if I expected anything more I’d only be getting my hopes up. I promised not to do that anymore. But don’t flatter yourself sweetheart I meant it as a whole, not just for you; not just about us. Your love isn’t enough anymore, it was too faded and tattered. I want it to be enough.



My Heart’s a Stereo, it Beats for You so Listen Close.

he was mine. for the night he was that boy i remembered. that boy, who even on the bad days, i loved more than air itself. i can’t explain what it is about him, but sometimes he’s just… what i want. he mumbled silly things under his breath when no one was listening and stared at me with those eyes. those eyes i know oh so well.

This Could be the Very Minute I’m Aware I’m Alive. All these Places feel like Home.


i used to think it was the act of being in love that was so profound. but that’s not really true at all. it’s the act of falling. that violent stumble that forces you in sync with another human being. as beautiful as love is, without that fall, i feel it isn’t enough. maybe it’s just me, maybe it’s that i haven’t been in love long enough to prove the theory wrong. but that moment when you realize that whatever you may have had, whatever you thought you were doing right before them, doesn’t feel like fully living anymore… well that’s the moment that makes everything else worth it. the fights, the distance, the sheer lack of sanity; it all seems almost miniscule. almost okay.

And Maybe then We’ll Remember to Slow Down to all of Our Favorite Parts.

i knew that a boy would be a distraction. God knew that a boy would be a distraction. and i don’t spite Him for the way He’s laid things out. i was meant to work on school; work on a degree. i needed to be able to focus on three jobs and not feel guilty for all the time they would demand. i needed to know it would be okay not to focus my life around someone but instead to focus on my future. a future that is very important to not only me, but my family.

overall, i just needed to know that what i want is important and that it will all be okay.

Nevermind, I’ll find Someone like You. I Wish Nothing but the Best for You too. Don’t Forget Me, I Beg.

How incredibly honest songs can be. How outward and forthright. I wish I could be that honest with him. I wish I could look him in the eyes and fully explain just how much pain I’m in because of him. There are other people, other men in fact, that love me far more than he has the capacity to express. I’m not looking for grand gestures. I’m not looking for perfection wrapped in a nice little bow or even a promise of forever. I’m looking for his walls to settle, maybe just a tad. I’m looking for his words to be slightly softer and his feelings for me more defined. Not to the world; just to me. All you have to do is be honest with me, nothing more, nothing less.

I’m not looking to be your world. I’m just looking to be a part of your life; if only for a moment.

And Me, Who’s so Well Versed is Feeling so Damn Empty.

i hate you! god dammit, i hate you so much! stop, just stop. i don’t want you to be charming in person and an asshole online.

mind games, they’re all mind games, always are. and they only work when i’m stupid enough to trust you again. you know, i’m actually a great person. i care about people and smile a lot, and considering all the crap i’ve been through in the last 5 years, i’m genuinely happy. and then there’s you, i don’t know what you do to me, but my god you bring out the very worst in me. you make me this horrible person that i hate. and i try so hard not to hate, and not to be angry with people before i go to bed but it’s like you feed off of it. and i’m wasting my time trying to fix you because you aren’t broken, you want to be this way, all cold and untrusting. but i do really like you, when you aren’t making me miserable.