Archive for July, 2011

I’m Just Sayin’ You Could do Better. Tell Me, Have You Heard that Lately?

it’s so hard to explain, this uneasy hatred that isn’t really hatred for anything but my emotions. i don’t hate him, no matter what i say and how much i want to mean it. i could do better, i deserve better. but i don’t want anyone but him. it’s the most complex feeling i’ve ever dealt with. no matter how many times i walk away, and i fight for a new life with a new man; a new love, i always go back. it’s not happiness with him anymore, but it’s certainly not comfortability either. it’s complicated, to the point in which i can’t even understand why i stick around. the times that he makes me miserable outweigh the joy to no end. but for some reason when i am happy with him, as rare as that may be, it feels right. he feels right, i just don’t want him to be. i want him to just leave me be, but on my terms (go figure). he will never be the best thing for me and i know he’ll only seem like the right guy until the real one walks into my life. i hope it’s soon, i can’t take this much longer.

“I know we made a world together, something out of ice, and stars, something like deep sea diving, cold and painful and beautiful and true, but it makes me mad that anything I do now has to be in relation to that.”

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Kiss Quick, I’ve got a Line out the Door Who all Think They can Save Me.

The Static (I Wrote This For You)-

I know how you felt about me. I knew all along. You’d break up a little, become a little more static, whenever you spoke to me and you were always trying to figure out ways to be near me. It was obvious. I’m sorry I didn’t return your feelings, I was an idiot and a fool. And it’s got nothing to do with who you become, seriously, I’m really sorry. Please, give me a call sometime.

Don’t wait until then. Don’t wait and avoid me until you realize this is here. I am here. I am shouting and you don’t even hear me. So don’t wait, do.

Goodness, I should be speaking to myself…

Every Car You Chase.

It’s funny because I actually hate mash-ups. But I am madly in love with this one. I think it’s adorable and it hits some sort of chord somewhere hidden away in my chest.

I’m not sure who my heart is speaking to, I only know that whatever it’s saying is right.

Sweet on the Tip of My Tongue, You Taste like Sunlight and Strawberry Bubblegum.

You’re torture in the very best of ways. I can’t explain it. Seeing you is just… magic. Every single time. No matter how many days span between the last time and just then. You and those stupid camo shorts and those t-shirts that I think you wear for the sheer thrill of shocking people. Maybe you’re not the type of thing that is worth getting over. Maybe I’m just meant to linger with you, even if it stays right here. You make me too happy for this to be a mistake; for this to be nothing.

Just to help people understand, it feels something like dancing even when we’re standing still. There’s some sort of music in my head, even in our silence. It’s nonsense and it’s absolutely beautiful.

Actually, this song describes it quite well: 

Tell Me Why I Should Stay in this Relationship? When I’m Hurting Baby, I Ain’t Happy Baby.

i’m supposed to be careful. i’m supposed to be nice and kind and treat you like a king. why is that? why is it that i’m the one in charge of keeping you happy? while you just keep me chained. i don’t want this. i haven’t wanted this in a very, very long time and yet you keep trapping me. no, i didn’t bring you to that party, because we aren’t dating. no, it’s more than that, it’s because i didn’t want you to be there. because i wanted to have fun, and dance with my friends and not feel like you were going to get jealous. so instead you get angry, because i didn’t want to invite you to a place where you would have hung on me the whole time.. goodness, how old are you?! i wanted to have a good time and when you’re around, i can’t because you’re so busy judging me that i’m suffocated. i really don’t want this anymore, and i’ve even told you so, which is shocking even to me. it’s like suddenly i’ve grown a backbone around you. and you’re attracted to it, but it enrages you. how dare i speak to you in such a tone, because obviously you would never deserve such behavior. oh give me a break!

you can’t hold on to me anymore, so let me go. 

All These Buckets of Rain, I Have Heard About Enough.

i saw all my old friends from high school last night. it was disheartening to be honest. i looked at these people that i once couldn’t see myself living without and couldn’t wait to get away. they were different human being entirely, but in all fairness, as am i. some of their old qualities shone through this newly acquired “adult” skin, but most of what i saw, i didn’t really like.

what hurt the most was my oldest friend, she and i were inseparable. i listened to her drone on about this new boy she’s with and i realized how different she was. how childish and immature she had somehow become from her years at school. it wasn’t that she was talking about a boy, we always used to do that. it was her self-absorption, her utter lack of the rest of the world that surrounded her.

who was this girl? because i surely didn’t recognize her.

Forgive Me First Love, but I’m Tired.

It can’t be an easy thing to hear from someone. To hear them strain to tell you they’re done, that there’s nothing left of them because they gave you everything. It must actually hurt the other person to no end if they still feel anything for that person.

I wasn’t trying to hurt you, I just wanted you to understand how I can’t go back to last summer. I wanted you to understand that even when I told you years ago that I wouldn’t leave you, no matter what, that you could stop testing that theory. That you could stop pushing me away and hurting me just to see if I really meant what I told you I really meant. And you heard me, or it seems like you did. You told me that we could go back to last summer when all you wanted to do was make me happy. And I’d love that, because I don’t get mad at people, not the way I do with you. I don’t blame you for that, but you can’t keep doing what you’re doing. I loved you once, I remember it and every now and again I remember the feelings and smiles and it warms that place in my heart where I left you. A part of me knows that we can’t work unless you change completely, but then what would there be for me to love?

Do you know that one thing that would make me happiest? Hearing you sing.

And I Brace Myself, Please Don’t Tear This Apart.

This is an ode to the best friend. To the people who drop what they’re doing to come to your aid. Here’s to the friends who are woken up at an ungodly hour with drunk dials. To the people who leave the movie early to rush Ben and Jerry’s over to the broken hearted voice on the other end of the phone. This is for that time when they drove to your house at midnight because you had a fight. They sat outside in your driveway for hours because you refused to answer the phone and just speak to them. Here’s to the best friends that take you out for “dates” when you’re lonely. To the times when your wallet is just as empty as your stomach and they smile and tell you to just “forget about it”. The one’s who spend countless hours outside the fitting room listening to you whine that nothing fits. For the times that they were your sober buddy so that you could drink in peace. And when they then proceeded to hold your hair back while you puked after that way-too-wild night. This is for those endless walks so that you can work out the problems in your head. And for the times when they make a fool of themselves to make you feel comfortable. This is for the friends that will dance in the rain, lie under the stars, or scream in public.

You are the kind of friend that everyone needs, but not many people get. You are just a kind hearted, open minded, passive person willing to bend over backwards for the people you love. You deserve the very best, and sometimes those friends you take such good care of, forget that. But this is a short thank you for all that you do. This is my way of reminding you that you are appreciated. So here is a toast to you, the best friend, the kind of person everyone hopes to be.

 

Endless Eyes, the Immoveable did Bend.

I remember it like it was yesterday. I walked past him in the hallway and our eyes met and I thought his soul seems beautiful. Like most, I continued about my day, never knowing that that one silly moment could in fact change life as I knew it. I’ll never see him again, nothing to worry about. I left the cafeteria walking back to my new job at the end of the building. I turned the doorknob and stepped into the room. My boss writing on the chalkboard, gabbing away stopped and smiled at me. I waved and moved to put my things on the table in the middle of the room. I stepped forward, taking in the rest of the area and noticing a boy standing to my right, facing the board where my boss stood. His stance looked familiar, his hair; beautiful but from where? It was as if he felt my eyes on him and he turned. We stared at each other, unmoving for what seemed like an eternity. An awkward smile crossed his lips as his cheeks turned a harsh red and his hand raised into a wave, I felt my face flush as I broke eye contact. My boss gave the introductions and that was it: I was his by simply knowing the name that matched those eyes.