Archive for June, 2011

So I Set Fire to the Rain Watched it Burn as I Touched Your Face.

This is going to sound stupid. Like really stupid because you’ve said how you don’t do relationships… over and over again. But there’s something about you. Something that I can’t help but find fascinating. To the point in which I have this regrettable pull towards you. Not that I don’t want to see you, but I don’t like how strong my craving is. And maybe I’m reading too far into everything, much like women do, but there’s something here. Or.. I think there’s something here. Maybe you don’t feel it, but you react to it, whatever ‘it’ is. You’re drawn to this just as much as I am, or you wouldn’t appear around the corner all too often. And I’ve been dying to say something because I feel like I can’t end whatever assumptions I’ve been making in my head without a direct answer from you. So put me out of my misery, tell me that my blue is different from your’s, unless you plan to make a picture out of this.

So this is Strange, Our Sidestepping has Come to be a Brilliant Dance.

I went out with him without makeup, without being dressed up. I got sweaty and dirty and tripped a few times and you know what happened? He still treated me like I was something amazing. He didn’t inch away because I had dirt smeared across my cheek. He would just shake his head and laugh. We ran and jumped and climbed. We got stuck in the rain and he was okay with that.

I went to a party last night, after our “date”.  I felt underdressed in jeans and a nice t-shirt. I felt judged for not wearing six pounds of make up to cover the sunburn. I felt out of place because I’m still on the pale side and these girls are almost orange.  I felt fat because they don’t ‘remember’ how to eat most of the time. And I felt strange because I didn’t want to be drunk. No, I didn’t want to dance all over someone I wouldn’t see the next day. What would be the point in that? I wanted to catch up, and talk to people I cared for and none of them were there. Sure, the boys hung around me for most of the night because I wasn’t a drunken, blubbering mess. But these weren’t my friends. And they weren’t him.

He makes me comfortable. He makes me beautiful without makeup. He makes being myself easy. He makes me happy. Mostly, he fixes everything without even realizing it.


Come Away With Me in the Night.

He’s too wonderful. He’s too everything and here I am, this idiot that can’t see past his deep brown eyes. It doesn’t matter what we do, if we’re alone together even the silence is nice; although he likes to make random comments to break it. Sometimes I think it’s just because he likes to hear me laugh. Or maybe it’s the way my face looks in a smile, because every time I catch him staring at it. But he keeps doing this thing, and maybe it’s me who starts it and I just don’t realize it. We get comfortable like we’ve known each other forever, and then we bring up exes, or not so past “relations”, or idiotic things. He brought her up and I hunched as I followed him down the trail. It’s not jealousy, it’s more that she had him, that she had done something that he found worthy of his time. But what? And of course I brought him up… I suppose that we both spoke lowly of those pasts. I suppose we didn’t love them the way we had thought. And maybe that’s a good thing.

Maybe we could be better if I could just find the words to ask you if that’s what was going on here. Because we both seem so sad, you and I. And sometimes I feel so jaded and unloveable, and then you look at me and wash it away.

We could live forever amongst the trees.

I’m not the Sort of Person to Fall in and Quickly Out of Love. But to You I Gave my Affection, Right from the Start.

It’s funny, because it’s been 5 weeks since I’ve last actually seen him, face-to-face. Here I was thinking oh good, if i see him again, there won’t be any magic left. Wrong. It turns out that it wasn’t that my feelings were dwindling. It was that I was growing accustom to seeing him everyday. I was getting used to him being so in my life that I didn’t get as heated and nervous around him. So when he walked in so nonchalantly, I wasn’t expecting him and I wasn’t expecting my reaction to him: still as nervous and flustered as day one.

How Much Life Must I Miss Here, Before the Road gets Clear?

so this morning i had a strange dream.. i researched it on google because i found it to be relatively disturbing, but there’s nothing there. anyone know what this may mean? [WARNING: not for those that get squeamish about blood]

i was laying on the floor and suddenly i felt something warm streaming down my arm. i picked my head up. there were a few more drips that hit my arm. what is going on? i thought touching my head and glancing at my hands for signs of blood. nothing.. strange. i looked up towards the ceiling, it wasn’t coming from there. suddenly i felt it, what felt like warm water coming down the side of my jaw, i reached up and touched my ears. i could feel the blood oozing from each ear and leaving traces of it on my palm. i had work in half an hour and i was concerned i wouldn’t make it. i called, explaining what was going on and said i would be in late, they agreed. it was a bug that had lodged itself into my brain and was slowly killing me. surprisingly, i didn’t act as if i was dying. it was as if i was getting all my plans in order and tying all the loose ends of my life, until eventually, i woke up.


pleasant right? obviously i’m sure there is more to it, but i don’t remember it anymore. anyone know anything about dream analyzing?

You are My Sweetest Downfall, I Loved You First.

This is useless. I am very sorry dear. I am very sorry sweet, sweet stranger. I am very sorry that I led you to realize how well we would work. And even more sorry for the one who loves me. But I cannot return those feelings… to any of you.

I am sorry that you fell for me a few moments too late. I am sorry that I hadn’t considered you because we would fit so nicely.

I am sorry that you found me at this stage where I am so absolutely tongue-tied by someone else. Because you, sweet stranger, are a glorious human being.

I am sorry that we spoke for so long about the things we were interested in, the things that we would like to do with our lives some day. I am sorry that you find me so “tragically beautiful”.

I am sorry that when you spotted me at the gym you were so awestruck. I am sorry that you find me to be so different than those other girls. I am not so different, or perhaps I am, but you should not glance in my direction, there is no point.

I am sorry that he is so stuck in my head; still. Most of all, I am sorry that I’m trying so hard to convince myself that he is not worth the time…. because I know that’s not the truth.


If you were to leave
Fulfill someone else’s dreams
I think I might totally be lost

Used to be One of the Rotten Ones and I Liked You for That.

but sweetheart, the one thing i’ve learned through all the shit is that things really do get better.
i don’t know how it happens, but one day you wake up and it doesn’t feel like you’re crashing anymore.
that much i can promise you. ❤

He Means Nothing to You and You Don’t Know Why.

i don’t want to say you don’t know me.

i don’t want to fight about the fact that you weren’t there.

because the truth is: i don’t even care.

“She said ‘You don’t know me, and you don’t wear my chains.’ “

community college. what do you think of when you hear that?

it had a bad reputation where i was from. it was for the kids who weren’t good enough. the kids who goofed off in high school but whose parents were dragging their asses to school.

you never thought of the student who needed to stay home and raise his younger brother and sister after his dad took off and his mom got sick. or for the student who was a single mother looking to get some sort of degree while not uprooting her daughter. or for the student whose mother was sick so she came home to stay with her. to be with her just in case. you’ve never considered that someone might be juggling a full-time job, two jobs on the side and is still somehow getting an education at night.

i’ve met those students you know. i’ve seen the kids who are still “in high school” but there are far fewer of them then us.

when you think community college you don’t congratulate the girl with a 4.0 or the boy who is offered a full ride to transfer to yale. you don’t even consider asking the person with the associates degree why they went there first. why they may have needed the sure thing in 2 years rather than risking the drugs and alcohol that comes with the 4.

because it’s not the same at a big time university. oh yes, you’re right, it’s not. been there, done that. i’ve seen the ‘A’ high school student that loses everything because he drinks too much every night of the week. i’ve seen the scholarship student that has too much sex and finds herself pregnant. or the kids that come home during their breaks and sleep all day and leave the house that they’re now visiting a disaster because they think they deserve a break from all that “hard work and partying”. those kids that spend their summers much like their school years, drinking and mooching off their parents’ gains.

you’re so right, it’s much harder to get an ‘A’ with all that booze around compared to those 3 jobs and that house that needs to be cared for. what on earth was i ever thinking?!

to the few that are above it all, that work hard and turn down the crazy nights drinking so that they’re sober for their 8AM class, i respect you. i respect you and i know that you’re out there. i wish you so much luck. stay above it all.