Archive for December, 2010

Can’t You See, It’s Not Me You’re Dying For.

i’m sorry he feels so alone. i’m sorry that he thought i could cure that. i’m sorry he thought i would want to cure that.

i am perfectly lonely. and i am better off away from him.

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Let’s Waste Time Chasing Cars.

So it’s happened again. I’ve been on the verge of throwing it all away and handing in the towel. Then some stupid, otherwise meaningless thing happened. Now I’ve changed my mind.

You know, it’s a rare occasion for me to like my extended family. Actually, I don’t really like any of them. If it weren’t for the blood relation, they would be those people who you make faces about when you hear them speak. Or the person who comes in to shop at the place you work and you cringe because they’re just such rude, overbearing people. Yes, that’s my family. Not because they tease me, or because they’re embarrassing. It’s because quite honestly, they’re absolutely awful people. But not my dad’s side. Not my father’s sister and her husband (and to be fair, their children). I love them. Love them in a way that makes it sound unconditional. Not because I have to, but because I want to.

I’m forced to see my family, obviously. Rarely do I speak to any of them but I’d willingly spend time with these people. They’re wonderful. Better yet, they’re REAL.

I overheard my aunt and her mother-in-law talking about me in the kitchen after dinner. The words were… embarrassingly sweet.

Sometimes, when I lose faith in the world, I learn that loving people is worth all the trouble.

Savannah…

Savannah- Relient K

Yet I’ll know you’ll be there
Cause you know I’ll want you to be there
And we’ll say hello
As you’re smiling in love and we’ll sigh so relieved
I believe because we will both know by tonight
And feel normal again,
But until then

^ It’s a song worth listening to.

 

 

I really have nothing to speak about.

Nothing has changed. No one has caught my heart.

People have attempted to return and I’ve been blown away by the difference in dynamic since they’ve gone off to school. Life has changed. I am now a woman to them, not their bunkmate. I don’t think this is what I wanted at all.

Everything has changed.

[I’m just not ready to admit it.]

There’s Two Things I Know for Sure: She was Sent Here from Heaven and She’s Daddy’s Little Girl.

-----Email---- i was at goodwill this morning with my mother looking at a coat when I saw this message inside. it touched me and i thought about it the rest of the day - with my mom.

This was a picture sent to Post Secret. If you’ve never been to the site, I must insist you visit. This photo (with the email in the caption) really touched me. I did things like this when we gave away a lot of my dad’s of things. I wonder if anyone found those…

It was just one of those things that left a weight on my heart and I could feel the tears well up in my throat. But it wasn’t a bad pain, just a bit of an open wound. You see, my birthday is coming up… and I would give anything to have him back where he belongs. ❤

I miss you everyday Daddy. I still love you as much as before.

I’m Tired of Putting One Foot in Front of the Other.

I like songs on repeat. I don’t know why, but I like to put a song on overkill. Especially when the song hits just the right chord… and they always do.

Walking rosewood street, alone inside my head,
I’m sorry honey but I feel so lonely trapped inside my skin
It’s colder when I breathe,
I’m a ship that’s out to sea,
It’s the way you move,
It’s the way you turn me
The way I sink for you

All the sounds, make you fall from all the ways that keep you far from me
All I hear, are the voices in my air that keep reminding me
You’re all that’s in my head

Cover up your feet,
Walk away with me,
Oh, the night’s so lovely and the wind’s still blowing,
You can tell me everything.
But you’re not standing here,
In fact you’re nowhere near,
It’s a dream I’m having and I keep relapsing and you’re all that’s in my head.

I’m finally free from the semester. I have a month to sit back and re-plan my life and I’m terrified to say the least. But what’s funny is, I’m not dreading the month of thought. What scares me most about this is everyone will be home. All those damn men will be back in my life for the month and I don’t want to choose. I don’t want to hurt any of them, that’s what it is. I could tell you right now there’s one out of all of them that I would love to call mine. I just can’t do it. It’s a strange concept, being afraid of your friends. I don’t know… I just don’t know anymore. Someone save me from my life on repeat.

Story of My Life is I Got Bones. My Body Like My Mind are Both Tired and Cold.

Have you ever seen something that just screams “WHAT YOU’RE DOING IS RIGHT!”?

I’ve been spending my nights outside lately, which probably isn’t the best idea for my health seeing as I rarely dress for the weather. But my life has been catching up to me, usually I can run clear away from it, but lately… I’ve been asking questions to say the least. I don’t understand why I can never catch a break. Why it’s okay for my siblings to go off and get married and find lives but I have to stay home and take care of our mother. Why I never got the chance to be a child. Why I can seem to go get an education because they’re too busy to come home. The truth is they’re just afraid. They can’t face the life that I’ve grow accustom to.

You see, my mother stopped trying when I was about 16. Yeah, I get it. I’m supposed to be an adult by that point anyway and I was. But there is a large difference between being an adult and becoming your mother’s keeper. Because that’s what I am. It’s almost like it’s expected of me, I should be cooking and running errands and cleaning and working while having an 18 credit course load. Something isn’t right with this picture. It’s not that I’m unwilling to help, I am willing. I am trying. But I didn’t sign up to be a mother. I didn’t do something I should regret and get stuck with the consequences. Someone just decided to snap their fingers and screw me over. And lucky for her someone keeps doing it or I would be long gone by now. I used to swear I’d never come back from school, and I meant it. I didn’t miss this place when I had my freedom, I just couldn’t seem to catch enough of a break to escape.

But what I’m doing is right. Even if all this is destroying me. Even if I am tired and worn out well beyond my years. What I am doing is right. And the only reason I buy it is all because of this stupid picture I stumbled upon while researching a famous artist. It didn’t belong at all, it has no connection to any of the words I was searching in google. The title was my name, and the artist was just the name I’ve been looking.

It’s funny how the smallest thing can remind you that you’ll survive just like all the times before..

Maybe It’s Your Sick Need to Give Love and Take it Away.

tornados. i dream about them all the time. it’s no wonder really, destructive forces of nature that can’t be controlled seem to run in my life. but anyway, here’s some dream analysis behind that.

“Tornado

To see a tornado in your dream, suggests that you are experiencing some extreme emotional outbursts and temper tantrums. Is there a situation or relationship in your life that may be potentially destructive?

To dream that you are in a tornado, means that you are feeling overwhelmed and out of control. Your plans will be filled with much complications and you will be met with a series of disappointments.

To see several tornadoes in your dream, represent people around you who are prone to violent outbursts and shifting mood swings. It may also symbolize a volatile situation or relationship.”

 

Edit 12/12-

i found this buried in one of my sketchbooks and figured, well i might as well put it out there.

This one is for you, really. You can read it, tear it up and burn it afterwards. Or not even bother and just crumple it up and throw it in the trash. But what you do with it isn’t important, what matters is I’m giving this to you. I like you. I have liked you for as long as I can remember us existing near one another. And I’ve wanted nothing more than your happiness since that point, whether it included me or not. And to think, at one point in our crazy lives, I was in fact the person who made you happiest. That was the moment that I realized what happy felt like. You make me happy… when you want to. But that’s just it, you don’t always want to. It’s malicious most of the time too. Sometimes I think you do things to hurt me just to prove that I’m not going to run off on you. A part of me understands that, as sick as it is, but I wish you would stop. I wish you would just accept that you need me and let me get comfortable with the idea of you. That’s the point to this whole “letter”. _______, you treat me like shit, plain and simple. I love you and care for you. I fight for you and try to make you happy and all you do is kick me to the curb. How could you possibly expect me to stick around for that? You fight me every step of the way. You only tell me how much you care for me when you’re drunk. You’re only ever honest when you’re drunk. Tell me when this becomes logical to you, okay? Because I don’t quite understand it at all. But better than that, you expect me to put myself out there for you. To walk on some sort of tightrope, confessing my affection for you. My friends are more clear cut about their feelings for me [and those truths could ruin our friendly dynamics]. Not you though, the boy who insists on seeing me after being away but never says it’s because he’s missed me. It’s like you just want to check in every so often to be sure I haven’t forgotten that you own me. You’d rather make snide remarks than openly admit your feelings for me. That’s not the kind of relationship I’m after and if you can’t grasp why, that’s clearly not my issue.

For My Something. Dated 11/2