Archive for February, 2011

I Bought a One-Way Ticket ‘Cuz I Knew I’d Never See the Ground.

Could you sing to me? Something soft and sweet to make me forget. Or maybe something wild and crazy to make my blood pump. I just need to hear you every so often to clear my head. I don’t know what you do to me, but it’s something different. We’ll take this slow, with winks and whispers shot at each other from across the room because truth be told, I’m not looking for a relationship. Those are always so toxic for me. We’re better off being in love. Why not get back to me on that.

Come On Skinny Love, Just Last the Year.

You need to understand something: the room doesn’t just stop spinning because you’ve knocked down the door. The mess isn’t gone because you’ve thrown a towel over it. It is still just the same. Regardless of how far or how fast you run, the mess is still just as you left it. You can avoid it or deny it, kick it or trample it, run at it head on for all I care! But don’t pretend you’ve handled it. Don’t pretend that because you’ve patched things up and claim it’s okay, that it’s right.

I’ve known hate just as well as I’ve known love, and neither are a friend of your’s. Hear you me.

Heaven Forbid You End Up Alone and You Don’t Know How.

people disgust me. the idea of a relationship disgusts me. i don’t know why i yearn for one so badly at times. truth be told, i have never heard anyone speak highly of the person they’re with.

at one point, i spent hours convincing this shithead of a guy, who had insisted it was me he wanted to be dating, that he loved his girlfriend. “no, she’s a stupid bitch. she makes me miserable. i hate everything about her.” today, his facebook is loaded with pictures of the girl he swore he had nothing good to say about. the girl who, he was positive, he not only never loved but asked out for the fear of being alone.

alone. what a cold and harsh word that is these days. as if being alone makes your life any less meaningful. as if it destroys your chances of being a decent human being worth remembering. i don’t think it’s a terrible thing at all. it’s when people mix the feelings of loneliness into the idea of being alone. those aren’t the same concept, different definitions entirely.

a person can be surrounded by a crowd of people and still feel lonely. on the other hand, a person could be alone and perfectly content.

i’m not saying i wish to be alone forever, i merely mean that my singularity gives me peace. i merely mean that i have the ability of caring for many people at once. and now, i don’t want those of you in relationships to get defensive. i don’t mean that you only care for your partner. i’m only saying that many of my friends, tend to date crazy chicks who demand they are the only girl in there life. at all. and that i have dated many, extremely jealous boys. are they all like that? no, of course not. it’s just my experience.

It Kills Me Not to Know This but I’ve All but Just Forgotten What the Color of Her Eyes Were…

i feel foreign in my skin..

i can’t explain it. i just don’t think i’ve ever seen myself ending up here.┬áit’s that i’m happy and sad all at the same time. and something about that doesn’t feel right.

because i want to hate you and love you all at once. i want to hold you and push you away. because you’ve abandoned me… yet i would be so afraid to shut you out if you came back for fear of losing you again. it doesn’t matter what i want anymore. it doesn’t matter because i can’t make up my own mind.

Shake the Dust.

Sometimes I think it’s more important to listen than it is to speak. So listen to these words because for now, I have nothing left to say…

I’m a Little Bit Rusty and I Think My Head is Caving in.

Things like this; they aren’t sad anymore. I can’t hate you and I don’t want to. It’s just, I realize something sober that I don’t drunk: you will always let me down. You will hurt me and abuse me and abandon me. You can say you won’t. You can beg me to stay and to hold on a little longer, but who’s kidding who here?

Yes, I may text you or call you or think of you after a little too much drinking, but the fact is I delete the texts, I forget the calls, the thoughts disappear once the morning comes around again. I suppose I messed up this time around because I must have passed out before your last text went through. I read it as the sunlight crept into the dorm room and wondered what it meant; my mistake. I questioned what I could have said to you because maybe it wasn’t as destructive as usual. But getting your curt response was a jolt back to reality. I do not want to be with you. I may love you, adore you, miss you, but I’m not stupid and all of the above will disappear in time. I’ve been surviving without you. Better yet, I’ve been happy without you. So I’m sorry that you want to hear those words leave my lips so badly still. I’m sorry you’re hanging onto the hope that I will once again beg you to stay. Here I am saying I won’t. I will never say anything to that effect ever again. Good night.

And For the Tiniest Moment, It’s All Not True.

Today is the day I’ve been dreading all week. At moments, I had forgotten it was a real thing that I was mourning. Sometimes, I felt really okay, because it’s been four years without you here and I’ve survived just fine. Because every once in a while I stop to take a breath and can smile. But then I think about it and hate myself for growing away from you. I had been so sure that I would always stay rooted where I was. I was so sure that it didn’t matter how old I became because I would always be your princess and I would always love you just the same. And it’s not that I don’t love you, it’s not that I love you any less than before, it’s that you’ve stopped showing up. You aren’t in my dreams checking up on me. You don’t stop in just to give me one of your hugs and a kiss on the forehead like you used to every so often. You don’t do that at all anymore. And I hate you for it sometimes because I miss you so badly. I don’t blame you, I blame me if anything. But I just don’t want you to think you’re forgotten because that won’t happen. My thoughts of you may appear blurry and I may forget your voice and the exact shape of your smile but I hear you in everyone that talks. Sometimes I even hear a laugh like your’s and I freeze to take it in. When I turn around it’s never you, but I know you’re gone. I don’t really ever think it’s going to be you. It’s just a silent hope.

 

My protector. My sarcastic conversation starter. My late night story. My big bear hug. My homework helper. My encourager. My teaser. My screaming buddy. My reason for being stronger. My excuse for watching scary movies. My Grey’s Anatomy buddy. My embarrassing dancer. My cheering squad everywhere I went. My butterfly kisses. My Superman. I love you. I miss you.

Love always, Your Little Princess.