Archive for June, 2010

Just to Put Your Mind at Ease, You Don’t Owe Me Anything.

she kissed him. she kissed him and smirked at me and then i started to cry. it wasn’t even real but i felt this terrible sting. i wasn’t looking for a mess like this, not again. he’s reverting back into that boy that i didn’t miss. some days he’s just such a prick and i can’t even grasp my reasons for keeping him around for 5+ years. but where did this come from? where has my boy gone? because i was starting to get comfortable with loving him. i haven’t dreamt about him in almost a year, then i fell straight back into his tricks. his face makes me cry in my sleep. it’s not always a bad thing, sometimes it’s just because he makes me happy. but those dreams always made me nervous, and here go my nerves and i feel myself gasping for air. what was i thinking? how could he ever think of me? he’s pushing me away and i don’t want to struggle. i don’t like fighting with him, it never got us anywhere.

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I’m Unusually Hard to Hold Onto.

I don’t think I know how to be in love. I think about it, about growing old with someone. And the idea seems quaint, beautiful even. I just can’t seem to see how to get there. I don’t know how to do a lot of things and I wish that I could. I don’t know how to cuddle with someone, or look pretty, or act sexy, or be daring and on the edge. I don’t understand how to kiss someone first, or make my heart stop racing, or initiate holding hands, or just act like a girlfriend. Everything that should be so simple for a girl is merely impossible for me, and I’m a woman. I don’t know how to become that, I’m not even sure I want to. I just know that my someone will eventually get frustrated just like all the other ones. I don’t mean to be that way, I don’t mean to seem difficult, all the time at least.

I’ll Run My Fingers Through Your Hair Tonight.

We’ve never done this before. In the scheme of things, I’m not her. You do realize that right? Because it scares me. I’m nothing like any of those other girls. And we’ve never done this before. I know, we agreed on the distraction thing, kudos to you holding up your end so well by the way, with the smiles you can put on my face so easily. I just don’t know if this is real because we’re so good at faking and denying everything. We’ve always pretended this way. You tell me how badly you need me and I deny ever thinking of you. I tell you how much you mean to me and you shrug it off and fein some sort of indifference.

Your family loves me, do you remember drunkenly slurring that into my face?Hah, oh how I adore them. Yesterday was the perfect dose of just what I’ve been missing, a family. Don’t get me wrong, I have my own family, a wonderful one at that. But they’re all so far from here, so far from a home that isn’t any of their’s anymore, and soon won’t even be mine. Do you have any idea how attractive just your family alone makes you? I guess that’s a strange thing to hear but they make me love you more. Maybe not love, love, just our love. The kind of love that’s been there for us from the second you were my section captain. Oh, how you took care of me. How you could make me glow. And how you taught me everything I needed to know. That single year you became one of the few people to save me because back then, I needed to be saved.

But it all seems like a dream, a silly, nonsensical dream. Were we really in each other’s arms? Was my hair really something you could love? And my face something worth touching and smiling about? Were you seriously that tangible to me? For me, you’re all I’ve expected. But how long will that last? What are the chances of us staying here? Not reverting back to the monsters we were. Remember them? The ones that purposely ripped at each other’s chests and rib cages to tear out the hearts we wanted to claim as our own? We were each other’s property and it was unhealthy because of the relationships we had surrounding us. I mean, it would be unhealthy either way, but what we had was far worse than it should have gotten.

Everyone’s awaiting our failure you know, if we were to ever become something of sorts. I guess we are something, just an unmarked territory kind of something. But I think otherwise, I don’t think we’ll fail. I think last night was proof of that. I can sacrifice for you, willingly. And you can fight for my happiness. One better, you can fight me. Not to break my heart, although I’m sure you could, but to let me get it out of my system. You know I need that, I’ve always needed that.

“i’m telling you you’re beautiful and i don’t even want to f*ck you. i don’t want anything from you except to spend every night sleeping next to you. i don’t want anything but for you to hold me, let me hold you, breathe you in, listen to your thoughts running through my fingers.”

What Happened to Bulletproof Weeks in Your Arms?

It’s officially the end of it. Today I watched a movie with a main character who had the same name as him. I didn’t realize it until the end of the movie, when the boy died and I said his name aloud in agony. Then all at once it hit me, and I just laughed to myself. That’s the moment I had been waiting for. For almost 6 dreadful months I had beaten myself up. But today was the best day in the world, just for the fact that when I thought of him, it didn’t sting. It finally didn’t sting, so there was no need to numb any emotions over. Would I be okay seeing him again? No, probably not like the others. This is a different kind of case. I still know the anger would be there if I saw him holding hands with the new object of his affection, but it wouldn’t be jealousy. I don’t hate him for loving who he does. No, I despise the lie he lives, but it’s no longer my problem. Why? Well because the sting is finally gone. That’s right, I want to say it once more just to grow this smile that sits on my lips. The. Sting. Is. Gone. ❤

Don’t Make a Sound, Shh and Listen

i don’t remember it all. i just know that that was the most settling dream i’ve had in a long time: i left my usual group in the middle of a guitar session to chase after lee ann. suddenly i stopped, i don’t remember my reasoning, i wasn’t angry, i just wanted to be somewhere else. as i left the room another group of kids playing guitar were sitting around on couches. i smiled, they all turned in the opposite direction except for one. he smiled at me and motioned me over. i sat between him and another boy on this blue couch that looked just like the one that i had been sleeping on in reality. there was something about him that interested me. soon we became close and the rest of the group accepted me but the tension was still there. it’s almost as if we were competing for something when it came to music. then i had a montage! gotta love those. this boy was supposed to listen to one of my songs, but he had disappeared. others listened and enjoyed, but not him. finally he walked out onto the porch and sat next to me with a book in his hand as i played the bridge to my song, intently reading. “i’m sorry, i know i promised…” his voice trailed into a yawn. i stopped playing and looked up at him, shaking my head. “why don’t you go to bed?” “no, no, play!” i laughed as i watched him bite down on another yawn. “okay, i’ll play another day, come on, up to bed with you.” i helped him upstairs and asked if he’d be okay the rest of the way to his room. he shrugged and wouldn’t take his arm from my shoulders. i walked him the rest of the way, undid his bed and put him in it walking to the other side of the bed to kiss his forehead. his hand reached up towards my face and he stroked my cheek. “i should go.” i whispered. he nodded and then mumbled “but i’d rather you stay” a giggle escaped my lips as i took his hand, “of course you would, but i can’t” and with that i walked out of the room and woke up.