Archive for September, 2010

You are the Only Exception.

It’s funny how easy it is to forget all the good when you get wrapped up in everything that’s wrong. My Something. I remember when he asked me to my own prom. Even now that sentence makes me laugh. How badly he had wanted to go with me and how badly I had wanted to go with him and only him. I’ve never fought for anyone as much as I had fought for him. And no matter how crazy he drives me, I never seem to regret it.

But that’s not where I was going with this, I was just replaying a memory in my head. One that I had almost forgotten. We were standing across the room during the “cocktail hour” and I glanced up, catching my eyes on his. We just stared, for what I now know wasn’t much more than a few moments, but at the time felt like a eternity. And then a smile crossed his face and I felt my face flush.

Then my brain speeds forward and I think of that night. He spent it in my brother’s old room because we were leaving to early the next morning. I had used everything in me to refrain from being too needy, from wanting him as much as I did. But with all my make-up off, and pajamas far younger than I was, and my hair a curly mess, still he looked at me awestruck. And I did everything I could to drink in the memory, to try to prevent my mind from washing away such a night.

Even still my mind goes further, to not very long ago, when we sat on my couch remembering those memories. “That was the most nerve racking prom I had ever been to.” he said. I laughed thinking I had misunderstood, “Why?” “Because I wanted to make you happy so badly.” he mumbled, almost ashamed. I smiled, “That was the very best night I had ever had.” I whispered it so quietly I’m not even sure he heard me.

I miss that. Not that I don’t still have him every so often, because I do. And I know he loves me, and often times I love him too. I just hesitate to admit it. Perhaps because I need him around. Oh, if only he knew this existed… He’d be speechless to read those words. You see, I never admit that. Ever. I need no one, I’ve grown independent and, in a way, cold. I didn’t mean to become that way, it just happened.

But here, so I can prove it..

Dear Something,

I need you.

Love,

The Cartographer of the Tangles in Your Hair.

Does this make you nearly as nervous as it makes me?

Never Said Too Much About the Space Between His Eardrums.

Yesterday I settled down. I found a nice boy who treats me right and figured I’d jump at it but already I feel like something is off. I have this theory that when it’s right, it’s right. Not that it will be perfect, actually I expect the flaws. I think that will be the part I fall in love with the most. Perhaps because I, myself, am such a flawed being that I want someone much like myself.

I think Dr. Bailey from Grey’s Anatomy said it best this thursday. “You’re a good man, you are a handsome and kind and smart and good… You’re perfect. But umm, I’m busy… holding myself together with tape and glue. And a piece of me wishes that you hadn’t played golf because then you’d be all taped and glued too and then maybe you’d be where I am..”

I am so busy holding myself together, and as badly as I want something, someone, anyone I just can’t. I get so close and back away because I’m afraid. I’m afraid that I will be too much because often times I am too much. But when it’s right, it will be right. I stand behind that truth. He won’t have to fight to hold on to me because I’ll be willing to stay. I try to stay now, try to see what it feels like to be happy, and sometimes I am happy. But it never really lasts for long, and the reason behind that is beyond me. So for now, I will squirm in the place that I’m in. I’ll be silent and take the happiness as it comes because I make him happy. For now, I am what makes him happy and that makes this feel okay to me. That makes me… something like happy.

You verses Me verses Everything.

i’m so tired of having to be sorry. i’m so tired of feeling like my anger and pain isn’t allowed. i had a pregnancy scare, why the hell that happened if i’m still a virgin is beyond me. but i’m never late, and to be 9 days late after the¬†incident¬†with my Something, well i thought perhaps i was slightly more intoxicated than i had remembered. so obviously, i was on edge. and between him and that kid i call my Best Friend, i just can’t take it anymore.

It Seems the Feelings that She had are Through, Through.

I’ve lost them all. I pushed them away and I think I’m starting fresh. I think I want new opportunities even if it does hurt to lose my boys. I can’t keep letting these boys who are so in my life control me. I need someone who doesn’t know me and my soft spoken qualities. I need a man who is not willing to test his boundaries because he wants me that badly. I want him to be careful he doesn’t lose me. Maybe I’m to blame for the way everything’s worked out. I was too lenient with my emotions and let these children get the best of me. But no longer!