Archive for May, 2011

Sew Them Tight at the Seams Please, I Got so Many Ripped Knees.

I will not come back to you. I don’t care if on the good days you’re decent to me because it’s not enough anymore. Because even on the bad days he’s nothing less than beautiful.

 

You can’t tempt me back into your arms like you used to.

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I’m Not in Love. This is Not Your Song.

there’s nothing more to say.

denial is the truth of fakers.

And Wake up Early to Black and White Re-runs that Escape from my Mouth.

at the time, he was wonderful. i remember it vividly. Forgetting Sarah Marshall is on and it just made me laugh. it was June 20th, i had a horrid day and i didn’t want to be alone. and there he was, at my door with this silly movie i had never seen: Forgetting Sarah Marshall. he insisted it would make me smile. he was right, and eventually i was even laughing. we laid on the couch and for that moment, i was happy and he was all i had ever wanted. then he took me for ice cream and made me smile, like he used to.

sometimes the memories are enjoyable. sometimes i remember why i liked his presence. why i craved his company. but that was before he was a monster. that was before there was someone else. i always feel sorry that we didn’t work out, i may never stop feeling that way. but what i have stopped is apologizing that i wasn’t enough.

And Even Though the Moment’s Passed Me by, I Still Can’t Turn Away.

we aren’t as lonely as we pretend to be. it’s just a ruse so we don’t end up alone because who would really want that? it’s not as scary as we make it out to be.. being alone. they aren’t synonymous you know… being alone and being lonely.

my mind is in a fog, a lot like the weather outside. i can’t even focus long enough to express what i’m thinking. if i’m thinking anything at all. maybe it’s the music blaring in my ears or because my phone keeps going off. maybe it’s because i don’t want it to be him. maybe it’s because i’ve had this idea of being lonely drilled into my head by every sad song and romantic movie so i think that’s how it should feel. or maybe it’s because i can’t stand my best friend anymore.

change— it’s usual. it’s what happens when you grow up. but to have a retrogressing personality while being convinced you’re maturing is an overwhelming force to be around. maybe it’s because of exactly what she said. i stayed home. i didn’t go off to school to get trashed every single weekend and to have no responsibility besides attending 3 or 4 courses.  maybe it’s because i don’t like to party like they do or because i’ve grown here. i am not a college student. i never was a college student. i am not lonely or irresponsible. i never was.

When I Say ‘When’ Cut the Strings.

Ace Enders. I went to a concert of his yesterday. It was truly amazing, not that that surprises me anymore. But do you know when songs just strike chords? Like the words are something you’ve been ignoring for a little too long and now you’re really hearing them. Like you just kept pushing them back farther and farther into your head but now they’re screaming in your face. Well hello words, I hear you. Yes hello, it’s been a while, I should have listened. I should have done something quite some time ago and gotten my answer, now things are much too late. Because you silly, silly girl: you won’t hear from him. Welcome to summer, go get lost somewhere else. You’ll see him in the fall and things won’t sparkle like they used to. Don’t be disappointed, he told you from the get-go that he didn’t do relationships and we both know you don’t either. You could be happy together if you found each other before you both became so jaded. But you didn’t, you’re rusty and bruised and afraid of getting too close. You both are. So as much as you want this, you have to work for it, and neither of you are willing to seem as fragile as you are.

We always knew that you were better. I don’t want you to love me anymore.

Cellophane Girl.

i want you know that it’s summer now. i want you to know that i won’t see you anymore. that your face won’t sneak around the doorframe and smile at me even before i realize you’re there. i want you to know that i can’t find the courage to call you. i want you to know that even though i’m loud, i’m shy. i want you to know that i’m unsure of myself. and that it doesn’t matter what everyone thinks or what i’m told because i don’t think you could like me. i want you to know that i want you to know me, and now would be the perfect time for you to jump at this opportunity. i want you to know that that doesn’t happen often and i’m hiding a lot of secrets from you. i want you to know that for you, i could wait. that for you i could be not so serious. or not so shy. that for you i could be myself.

i want you to know that for me, you don’t have to change a thing.

Stay or Leave, I Want You Not to Go.

i like you. it’s actually really stupid because i can’t explain why. maybe it’s your hair or your eyes or your face. or maybe it’s that way you sit in the hall and when i walk by, you look up. and i watch you from the corner of my eye as you stare. and i want so badly to stare back, but i stop myself. or maybe it’s when you walk in the room and you do something loud or clumsy almost on purpose so that you catch my attention. but the truth is you already have it. or maybe it’s something simple, like wanting to hold your hand through the bad parts. and to hide my face in your chest when i’m scared. or to drive in your truck, windows down, your mixtape blurring with the trees as they fly by and my hair getting whipped by the wind. and maybe it’s that even when you’re driving you steal glances and tease me for the paint that’s in my hair. maybe it’s not your hair or your eyes or your face. maybe it’s not so hard to explain. maybe this is something simple. maybe it’s just you and what you do to me.