Archive for April, 2010

Bring it Together, Make it Warmer.

That damn black and white boy made his appearance in front of me yesterday. I can’t say that I thought it would never happen. I mean, we ┬ádo have the same circle of friends, so suddenly. We never saw this much of each other while we were dating. Now that we aren’t, he has to show up. What bothers me is I can’t explain it to anyone. I can’t tell them he turned on me, he loved another person more than me, while with me. That I didn’t really break his heart, he wanted it to end, he wanted to be with someone else. Someone not so much like me, but more like them. I don’t spite him for loving someone else, I spite him for wanting me to hang onto him. Because it was clear that that was his intention, the moment he texted me after our little run-in. He expected us to be buddy-buddy suddenly and when we weren’t he was lost. He can’t love someone else and still keep me, why doesn’t he understand that? He lied to me. Stole my kiss that I had been saving for decades.

Yes, I consoled him when he cried to me and spilt his secrets. I held him as my shoulder grew wet from his tears. But that was because I loved him, or it was some emotion close to that. I felt something for him then, in the past. Until I made it very clear that I buried us. He and I were left somewhere in the ground, melting with the rotted snow.

It didn’t hurt to see him, that wasn’t the emotion. It was a fire in the pit of my stomach. Here was this boy that everyone thought they could love, except me. I couldn’t love him anymore, because I knew his secret. I hated him for the poison that seeped from his tongue. Blasphemy, he was a liar of love.

If I Never Knew You..

You meet people who change your life all the time. Sometimes they have such an impact on you that you don’t even realize the drastic change. It’s almost like a high, you’re so stoned off this breath of air; off this person forcing life back into your lungs. It’s possible to know someone for so long that you become oblivious to how much they can affect you. But the idea that you have to lose someone to realize how much they mean to you is utter bull. I’m sorry for all you believers out there, but you know what you have before you lose it. And if you don’t, you don’t deserve it. It just seems like such common sense and yet everyone is ignorant towards it.

But my dear, you have changed me. You’ll never read this, and even if you do you won’t know it’s from me. Or even about you. But it is. That black and white boy looked at me when I spilt out your name, he just nodded as if he knew of you through it all. He asked if you and I were something while he and I were something. No, we weren’t. I would never do that to him, although I feel as though he was hoping I would admit to something so cold because it was clear that they were something while he and i were something. But you and I, we’re still not something and perhaps we won’t be, but could you dream of it? Having what our parents had planned all along? We’ve always acted that way, so it wouldn’t be a leap or a jump, just a normal step with no caution involved.

“you sometimes look at me with sad puppy dog eyes, and it just makes me think, “what girl did that work on?” and laugh and kiss you and hope my butterfly distractions work to make you a little bit happier. because you make me happier. and we are both so sad, we could use it. but i promise to do my best to not be too broken, and mindful of where you are.”

I was a Boy who Loved a Woman like a Little Girl.

Ron Pope- Drop in the Ocean

There’s really nothing left to say about that black and white boy. He obviously wasn’t meant to be mine and it’s starting to feel less and less like love as time goes on. So perhaps he meant so much to me because I made him up to be this larger than life boy. But that’s the thing I’m starting to realize. He was merely a boy. “A boy who was trying to love a woman as if she was a little girl.” But it’s been weeks since I’ve spoken to him and I don’t hurt, I don’t wish to see him. He fights to put himself in situations where he knows he’ll see me, but I avoid him. He cannot love me and this other person at the same time, not really. And if I don’t really love him, then putting myself in the way of this other is just cruel. They can love each other, love each other and end up happy. That would make me happy, to know he’s doing well. So I guess in a strange way, I do love him, just not the way most would. I’d rather love him from afar, love his circumstance over him. So dear black and white boy, I do hope you’re doing well, love the gray girl.

Time to Tell Me the Truth.

He told me their name the other night. I heard it and it was as if he’d said it over and over thousands of times before. The Sara Bareilles’s song, Between the Lines, it just mocks my life now. He told me he really did love me, for years. Years upon years. I scoffed at the thought. Then he looked at me and said everything we had had just didn’t make him feel anything. I tried my best to hear him, to understand. I was so hurt, so angry though. Then he started talking about how much he loved this kid, how he doesn’t know how to live without them for weeks at a time when they leave for school. I just stared at him as the words spilt out of my mouth. “That’s not love,” I said blatantly. “Love isn’t about you, it’s about them. If you really love someone, you don’t fight to keep them in your life, to keep them caged. You fight to keep them happy, even when that happiness excludes you. Your love, it’s not really love at all.” He didn’t get mad, didn’t argue with me the way I thought he would. He just nodded and said that I was right, but that it was hard. I laughed, as if he would actually have any idea. Here I am giving the boy I love advice to hold onto the person he’s so sure he cares for. And then I turned to him, my mouth still spewing words that made me seem brave and strong. “You didn’t love me either, maybe it was love to you, but it wasn’t the real kind I was looking for. If you had loved me, really loved me, you wouldn’t have done anything unless you were sure of your feelings. You wouldn’t have dragged me along for the ride if you had thought it could turn out this way. I never once dragged you along for the ride. Why do you think I turned you down as often as I did? If I wasn’t sure of my feelings for you, and only you, I would have never asked you to give me your heart.”

But there I was, 3 months later, still watching him squeeze the living shit out of mine. When we ended up back at my house, I took it back. My poor damaged ┬áheart still pumps blood just fine, it’s the loving part that’s blackened.

Drink Up Babydoll, mmMm Are You In Or Are You Out?

I’ve been told a large array of stupid things this past week…

They say that I should just hook up with him, my black and white boy. Just do it and see what happens, because if he really does love me the way he says, he’ll pursue me. Does anyone else see a problem with this? Forgive me for being old fashioned and a bit of a romantic.. but I thought the man wasn’t in it purely for the physical.

I just, I know my heart.. I know what I can and can’t take. I can take being with him if it leads somewhere… But what if it doesn’t? What then? I’d be worse off than I was in the beginning. Well, at least at first.

See, because then there’s the other side of me who realizes that if in fact it doesn’t lead to anything, I would walk away and be done with it. I had walked away before. I had done well without him on most days. I missed him, I did, but it was nothing unbearable.

It’s this tragic in between I can’t stand and I wonder how he does it. I wonder if I mattered at all. If he misses the smell of my hair that he used to rave about or my curves that fit so perfectly beside him. If he misses me fitting comfortably across him or if he’s found someone new because I’ve looked and I haven’t found anyone else that I work with. I know when he sees me he feels something, he misses it all but strangely when I’m with him, I’m okay. I act so calm and cool because he’s beside me but the second he’s gone I crumble. Is it the opposite for him? Does he only think of me when I’m standing in front of his gorgeous eyes?

I don’t know, I just don’t think I’ll pursue anything at all. I keep trying to let him go, he has to stop holding on.

So Sadly, Soul Survivor.

Just because I keep begging you to save yourself doesn’t mean you should. Maybe you should stop. It’s wonderful that you keep showing up, and it’s wonderful that you clearly still love me but I just don’t know what we’re doing here anymore.

I’m not supposed to tell you, but I’m going too. You’ll see me there all dressed up and gorgeous, will you be jealous of the boy who has his arm around mine? The one who will lead me up the stairs and smile at me as he gazes at all that I am? I hope not. I’m not looking to turn you green, I just want to dance with you, maybe, or something. He’s a splendid boy, but you know that already don’t you?

This will be a beautiful disaster, I can taste it on my tongue. You’ve got me falling faster and I’m playing you for the fool.

I Love Your…. Regardless of Your Mood.

Let’s not be silly, I want to see you. I know you’re on break and that you’re home, but I won’t try to make plans. I really wish you would.. Please, if you’ve never heard anything before, hear this: MAKE PLANS WITH ME!

Let me see your face again, I’d like to before I move..

You know, it’s not nearly as far as we had planned. I’ve been waiting to see you face to face to smile at you and say “You can’t get rid of me so easily” I know that would make you smile, my sarcasm always does that somehow. Actually, I just make you smile, don’t I? You can’t deny it when the smile is so plainly glued to your face when you see me. So come see me, show up at my house again. Love me a little longer than you had planned. I’ll allow it, even if that means I’ll hurt once your gone.

I bet I can look at your face now when you lift my chin and think about kissing me. I can look into your eyes and just smile. My heart might race and I bet you’ll feel it and laugh, but I know I can. I’ll challenge you. I lose, I kiss you, you lose, you kiss me. It’s a fair trade at best. Afraid yet? Yeah, me too but stop running. I’m going to stop running and I’ve never said that before. I said I would try, this time I’m saying that I won’t.

Dark Room, Cold Air, How do I get out?

Technicolor Wolves

I’ve been dying for the stars. They’ve been out for the past few nights and I guess I never realized how much I missed them because of all the light pollution. I found myself just laying in the middle of the road unaware of the cars as the sped inches past my being. I’ve grown daring, or something stupid like that. I don’t know, I think it’s all the hype from this past weekend. I began to challenge the boys who flirt with me. I guess I’m just tired of feeling helpless and unaware. They don’t hate me for it, except when they realize that to me it’s just a game, for now anyway. When it comes to my black and white boy, it’s never a game though. Although I do tease him much more than I recall. If he denies his feelings, then I suppose it doesn’t matter whether or not I challenge them. Eh, but I’ll do it anyway.

Cuz Baby, You Weren’t The First, or The Last, or The Worst.

There are things to miss and things to challenge, the difficulty is figuring out where each lies.

I don’t remember when we got like that, miserable like the rest of the world. It was like we woke up one morning and just decided to stop fighting. So now we stare at each other, hearts split wide open, and ache. I watched him stare at me standing next to another boy, his arms pinned tight against his sides, eyes vacant. It’s like he thought this one meant something more than he did. As if anyone could ever mean more than he does! I know this feeling won’t be permanent, at one point the sting will melt and fall away. But how long will it take?

I saw a previous boy today, one that came before him. We glanced at each other and I realized that it didn’t hurt to look at him anymore. That what I had said was true, the sting had passed. It wasn’t numb, just gone. I was glad of it. I smiled and hugged him. I didn’t linger and inhale all that he was, I didn’t even consider it. It was as though he had always been to me what he is now, a friend with the slightest hint of memories.

That’s what I’m waiting for. I don’t want to have to be numb, I just want to be okay. I mean, I’d give anything to not have to get over him, I shouldn’t have to get over him.. But I will if it’s what he really wants. And although I don’t believe it is, he says it is what he wants. So I’ll respect it.

I’ll Touch it if You Ask Me to.

Things get messy, you know? You get caught up in getting back on the horse and you just lose it. Well yeah, I completely lost it. I can’t believe I did that… with a boy I didn’t know. Okay, so before you jump the gun, it went nowhere. Really. I wouldn’t let him even kiss me. I don’t want another guy kissing me to be honest. If it’s not him, it won’t be anyone until they seem right. Because there must be another guy out there who seems right.. But he got quite far and we got quite comfortable. I felt like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman in that one scene where Richard Gear goes “Well, what do you do?” and she replies with “Everything, but no kissing on the lips.” or something like that. Yes, it was that kind of a mess. But there were other people around and I’m not a tramp. I would not be doing things while I was surrounded. It didn’t bother him surprisingly, I mean he was content enough with me just laying on him, holding his hand. He was sweet and all, but I kept thinking he was someone else. His face in the shadows resembled my black and white boy, his body was shaped like his too, abs and all. His chest smelt of my old boy and their heartbeat was much the same. The only difference was this boy was warm whereas I was the warmth in the past relationship. So we would get close, I highly considered it several times but I drew back. I even did so much as to splash water on my face in the bathroom. I wanted it, but I wanted it for the wrong reasons. And as vicious as my wants were, I was not about to go that far out of my character. Had it not been for my black and white boy, I would have kissed him though, I don’t doubt that.

I’m sure some of you think this is all a little stupid because a kiss is a kiss these days, but to me it’s not. A kiss shouldn’t just be a kiss. There’s a reason that line was put into Pretty Woman.