Archive for July, 2010

When I’m with Him, I am Thinking of You..

I have never felt more beautiful than I have in the last two days. Never. Not in all my life. These two days have surpassed all my hopes and dreams and I wonder if I can ever find something better. If I ever want to find better days than those. We all went to the beach together and I was treated like a woman, not their guyfriend. They loved me and looked at me as though I was a beautiful creature, something untouchable. However true that may be, I was in awe.

We went skinny dipping, and as raunchy as that sounds, it wasn’t. It was almost as if we were in a piece of art. They stared, not in a way to undermine me, but as if they were in shock. I stood stark naked in the water staring up at the harvest moon that ate the darkness from the sky. They kept their distance, aware of my uneasiness, and they respected my wishes without question. I believe they saw me for the first time that night. And when all was said and done, we fell asleep only to wake up in the morning the same people we’d always been. We’re best friends, you see, my boys have always been just that, mine. I didn’t need to be possessive of them, I just needed to love them and I do. I love each one differently and that’s what makes this all so difficult. I could honestly say I am, or have been at one time or another,  in love with each of them.

The hard part? I knew you’d be wondering. I kissed one of them. I kissed him and he kissed me back. And it was nerve-racking. My body shook as I felt his breath on my lips. Honestly, this wasn’t the plan. It wasn’t in the cards. And you’d think that it’d go farther than that after reading about our night, but no. My boy, my respectful, handsome, lovely boy stopped and looked at me in the darkness questioning it all just as much as me. Rather than pursuing something I don’t think either of us had been prepared for, he touched my face and asked if he should excuse himself. I bit my lip and nodded. We didn’t want this, I didn’t want to regret anything in the morning after feeling so beautiful. Had we not been as close as we are, that would have destroyed us. But instead we kept it to ourselves, not mentioning it to the others and continued about our day. You’d think we would have had to force the uneasiness from ourselves, but we didn’t. We were in fact enjoying our secret. We discussed it, said it would never happen again and moved forward. Oh, but I said there was a problem didn’t I? That’s because we ended up in the same spot the night after. And after holding back, we laid on the bed as the sun rose. The conversation is what’s haunting. “I have a question..” his voice trailed. “Okay, what?” “No, it’s awkward, nevermind.” “Don’t be silly, just ask me!” “How many guys have you kissed?” “Three.” “Oh. Three?” “Yes,” I replied, rambling off the names of my black and white boy and another. I stopped, smiling, “And you.” He froze, his heart raced more than it had already been. “But now I get to ask you the same question..” He took in a breath, deciding how he should answer. He glanced at me as I was sprawled across his chest and held up one finger. “Counting you. One.” I shuddered. Had I really been so awful? So blind as to steal away the one thing I myself had fought so hard to make memorable? I stole his first kiss and I hadn’t even realized it. I’d like to think I had some respect left, but the ride home I spent across the backseat on his lap, our hands intertwined underneath my pillow.

Here’s the kicker, I spent the night at the movies with my something. My something that is very clearly not the boy I’ve been speaking of. But my mind remained on the previous night, my something has lost me and he doesn’t even know it yet. This may ruin everything.

I Wanna Dream Away with You Tonight

I don’t need you. I never needed you and for that I apologize, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want you. I do, want you that is. I know that’s hard to grasp, because I don’t always show it. I am trying though. You’re this extraordinary man and I’m this uncomfortable woman. Sometimes I forget that I don’t look the way I used to. I forget that the girl that I once was went away years ago. And although you loved her at that time, I never understood why.

There was always something beautiful about him, this boy I should have been speaking those words to. There was something I could never quite explain to anyone else, not even him. Deep down, I didn’t want anyone else to understand it though. I wanted to hide that piece of him away somewhere so no one else could take it, so no one else would want him. So that what he was when he was with me would be just mine. I had felt like that was my right.

Now I’m older and a woman and you’re older and a man. And I don’t want to keep you to myself because you deserve to love other people. You deserve love from other people. So I let you go off and prove to everyone else the things I already knew. And you know what? They love you. I so knew they would. I’m not selfish or fearful anymore, but I am head over heels. Perhaps I’ll grow to need you, once you knock down another few feet worth of wall. Perhaps I could need you. I think deep down we both know that’s what I want, what you want.

I’m Obsessed with Crashing into You.

I said it to him. Yeah, so it was through text. But never once have I said directly to someone that I wasn’t going anywhere. That I was willing to stick around and change because it’s what I wanted. Only a month and I’ve said that already? Unhealthy. Not normal. I’m a cynic, he knows it, I know it. We’ve always known it, all these 5+ years. But neither of us were ever willing to change. Now suddenly something inside me has changed. Perhaps I’m just ready to grow up. To grow old. Oh, how badly I want to grow old with somebody. Anybody. Him.

This is messy, I can already sense it. One month without a label and I feel free still and he feels free but why won’t we put a title on it? We’re afraid aren’t we? Or maybe I mean nothing to him, like the others. See, there’s that cynic I’ve been looking for.. I don’t know what to do anymore.

“I throw my whole body, my soul into the fall, into love, into that new person. I can’t help it, I love and then think about how I’ll pick up my bones later. I’ll do this every time no matter how much I’m hating fixing up my wounds right now. My brain always reaches the rest of my body way too late and it begins again.”