Archive for October, 2010

I’m not sorry. I’m sorry. I’m not sure.

a drunken mind speaks a sober heart. am i surprised? well yes, a little bit. i mean come on now, this is just getting ridiculous. don’t be friends with the opposite sex. just don’t do it, it’s not wise.

one minute he’s telling me i’m ugly (you know, the way boys say things) and the next, he’s on top of me, or i was on top of him, or something along those lines. i can’t keep “falling into” my best friends. it’s too exhausting. i’m too tired.

it’s not love, not with him. it can’t be. i’m not even sure it’s lust. that’s not even logical. not that he’s not gorgeous, he is. and not that i don’t love him, because i do. it’s just not supposed to be like that. and i’m sure he’s thinking the same thing.

afterwards, you would think things would be awkward, but they weren’t. we crack jokes and offer each other “company”.

i suppose this was all pent up. maybe, maybe there is something possibly hidden down there. out of them all, i miss him the most. that’s what happens when a girl opens up. and with me, there are a lot of walls to tear down. right before he left for school, there i was ripping them down layer by layer and i guess he just reached the core of me that night. that part that no one’s really ever seen. the center of me; my pure, raw emotions. because that’s how i am with him. i am every color that i could possibly be.

i was his refuge when things went bad, and he mine. we had skinny dipped together. i had collapsed into his arms weeping when “The Best Friend” incident happened. i begged him to see me before he left. he surprised me when he came home and there i was, leaping into his arms.. i suppose the signs were there in neon lights but i will not read them, even now. i want him this way all the same. beginning to end. this way.

You Give This Way More Thought Than It Deserves.

i remember what i said to you, you know. i remember the night, although it is blurred in my head. and it’s probably missing bits and pieces as well. i’m sure we were much louder than we thought, and your roommate probably woke up to our whispers. i can still feel you kissing down my spine and drawing your fingers down my sides and across my waist. YOU’RE KILLING ME!

i remember turning over and reaching up to touch your face. you know, the face i tell you not to shave. and you listen when you know you’ll be seeing me, because i like you that way. i like you, like you are. and we didn’t kiss, but i didn’t mind. i still don’t mind.

and when it was all over, my hand searched for your’s. and you curled your fingers into mine and rested your head into my neck and laughed. i brushed my other hand across your scruff again and asked what you were laughing at. and you said “you like my new muscles don’t you?” and i sleepily nodded and turned my head to face your’s and said “i like you just the same as always.” and you sighed and i felt your heart flutter a little more than usual. and that’s when i said it. my sleepy, stupid, drunken lips moved slowly around the words: “i really missed you.” and you breathed heavily and said “i know,” softly into my ear. and i closed my eyes contently and you said it back. you never say it back. ❤

Were You Always This Unkind? We Lie Belly Up in the Pool of Us.

I’m supposed to be writing a paper. I can sit here and spill out my thoughts, but none of my thoughts are ever where they’re supposed to be. My mind is wandering among the stars while my heart is somewhere in New York, or maybe Pennsylvania. It changes with the weeks, with the days, the hours, some times the seconds. Sometimes I feel you and other times you’re so far that I can’t even breathe you in.

This whole idea is foreign to me. It’s been so long since I’ve been awake at this hour without substance. I forgot why that was.

On the good days, I miss him and then I remember he’s not who he was. On the bad days, I just miss him.

I don’t want to date other people. I don’t want to pretend someone else will make me happy. I don’t want to be open with someone else. I don’t want to explain myself to someone. I just want them to understand me because they were there.

You understand me because you lived life with me while I was living. I was this florescent child who painted in the clouds. Now I live amongst the dead whose feet have never left the ground. I don’t remembering coming down. I don’t remember suffocating myself beyond the point of destruction, but it happened and I’m sorry. I’m sorry if you can’t love that, because somedays I can’t love it either. I didn’t mean to make you fall in love with a corpse and while you’re off in New York, I hope you know I’m learning to need you less than before.

You kissed me and I felt a spark. And I wasn’t ready to run in the opposite direction. Then the morning happened and as we watched Glee on your bed, I smiled and thought this is what I want for always. I don’t think things like that about you. I’m not supposed to. You’ve brought me to ruin and now you’re leaving me in the God-forsaken town to rot.

Thank you.

The Way I Loved You

songs need to stop making so much sense. they need to stop making me feel like i understand perfectly how the singer feels. i want this, this new idea of love, or some word similar to it. i don’t want to keep waiting around for my Something to get his shit into gear. he doesn’t talk, and i guess i get that he doesn’t want to be attached. okay, fair enough. but how am i supposed to feel? i haven’t been interested in a pursuer since… well since he was chasing me still. that’s a long time. and that’s okay, because i don’t want to be interested in anything that moves, i’m not that type of person.

as much as i want this to stay, he’s not trying anymore. the movies were unbearable last night, i put my head on his shoulder and i can feel his heart start to race, but he doesn’t dare move. so i give up, i move. and then he plays with his face the rest of the time. he wants to kiss me, but he wants me to initiate it. it’s so beyond me.

being a psychology major gets you no where in life. no where but down.

And Let the Grass Grow up Around Me and Wait..

haven’t you ever had that?
where you enjoy being with them, but when they’re away, life goes on like they don’t exist. and you just wonder if you’re doing it right.
i mean, that’s not doing it right.
i want to be happy. i want to be happy with a totally imperfect person who doesn’t even feel perfect. i want to fight and hold on for dear life because they mean the world to me. i want to need them. i want it to hurt so badly that i smile from feeling so much emotion. i’m a very full being soul. i need to be with other souls.

“You are not a human being in search of a spiritual experience. You are a spiritual being immersed in a human experience.”

 

go ahead, try and tell me i’m wrong. i’m not wrong for feeling something, even if that something is loneliness.

It Gets Better.

I want to dedicate this to that boy I don’t talk about anymore.

I love you, just remember: It gets better.

There is a lovely movement going about youtube, and I thought I would do a spinoff of it on wordpress.

To everyone out there who is unable to speak up about who they are, it gets better! There are people who don’t even know you, who would be willing to reach out and show you love if you let them. Now, I can’t go off and give you my life story about how I came out, because I’m not gay. But don’t feel like you can’t be loved because you are gay, because that’s a lie. You can be loved and you will be loved. Actually, some of the most beautiful people in my life are open about their sexuality. And to be honest, their openness is what makes them shine. (I know, that sounds corny but stick with me) It’s not about what people say is right, because we shouldn’t be pointing fingers at anyone. It’s about what makes you happy. Because when it comes down to it, it’s all about being happy.

So don’t you listen to those people who try to drag you down and fit a mold. You have been made to stand out. Allow yourself the chance to be better than the label people give you.

 

“You don’t have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.”