Archive for April, 2011

I’m Getting Old and I Need Something to Rely on.

We collide beautifully. You may not think so, you may not even see it. But I do. And as I sit here, typing away, attempting to get work done in the wee hours of the night (or rather morning) I find myself smiling. Smiling because you asked me out for drinks. Smiling because when I told you I couldn’t, you respected me and changed it to coffee instead. Smiling because you help me with my work and talk to me in a way I’ve never been spoken to before. Your humor is like mine and I still can’t escape your eyes. But I’ve reached a point in which I don’t want to escape. Because even in my dreams I’m afraid to hold you but at the same time afraid you’ll disappear if I let you go. I’ll miss you when I go away. I’m not ready to lose you, so please, help me hold on.

You’re my perfect shade of blue.

When I Look in Your Eyes, I Tend to Lose my Thoughts.

I want one of those goofy summer loves. Where I can disappear from myself and just get lost in something. Is that at all possible? To get lost in something? I don’t mind sharing all my secrets with someone that I may never see after that little time we’d share. Or to fall in love with a stranger and then let them go. I don’t know, it sounds silly. I just have so much heart to share and no one to show that to. I’m not lonely, I’m just willing.

When You’re Too in Love to Let it Go.

Do me a favor, don’t throw anything away on account of me. I hear there’s a girlfriend? Actually I hear there’s a really great girlfriend. And she’s worth holding on to. Me, I’m not always such a sure thing, but her… she loves you. She loves you and you love her… on the good days. Me, I won’t love you. I will probably never grow to love you like that. You see, there’s a boy standing in the way of all of this. And you’re wonderful, believe that. But he’s astounding. He makes me weak at the knees and stutter like an imbecile. All those things they say about love, they happen sometimes. And I just so happened to have found them in a boy that probably will never commit to a thing. I’ll settle eventually, but don’t let that be with you. That’s not fair for you. You don’t even know me as well as you think, so you wouldn’t even know what you’d be getting yourself into. I can be wonderful too, don’t think that I don’t think highly of myself, but I won’t ever be her. I won’t be that girl that you hope I could one day turn into.

So you mean the world to me, but I just can’t love you. I’m sorry, you don’t need to forgive me, you just need to understand.

The Skies are Dark, They’re Dark but They’re Clear.

Hooray for destructive personalities. Worry not, there’s more to come. i mean perhaps there’s something to my science:

step 1: create something good

step 2: balance into it nicely, keep it healthy.

step 3: start to get a little ahead of yourself

step 4: notice that the rest of you it catching up smoothly to your plans.

step 5: sabotage it for no apparent reason

step 6: watch it catch on fire.

step 7: say that it was inevitable and ignore that you caused said issues.


okay no, there’s no sense to that. that’s just stupid. idiotic even! but why change? why ruin the process? exactly… good job.

i think the finish line’s a good place we could start

you should understand something: things are good with me. really. i’m in a place far better than i could have ever expected. i have people to keep me company and make me laugh. i have times in which i can stand and breathe; fill my lungs with this air and drown in it. i have memories that i keep dear to me, and new ones that i make every day. you’d be proud of what i’ve made of myself. i’d say you’d be shocked, but let’s be honest, you always knew what i could become. you always had this extraordinary faith in me, without reason and without fail.

Slower, Slower, We’re Bound to be Afraid.

it’s funny, you know? to hear songs that used to flood your mind with memories and your heart with emotion and have them mean nothing anymore. to be able to say something like “oh yeah, i can play that on the guitar” and not feel the need to add on “that was a song for my ex.” or “i used to sing it to the guy i thought i loved.” it’s strange how things can go so far south that you feel like your screams would seem silent but when you get over that hurtle, when you climb out of that hole that never seems to end, you look back and shrug it off. you look back and don’t remember the pain so vividly. it’s as if everything about that point in time is foreign to you, like another language or a story you never read. it’s a hallow victory, but a victory nonetheless.

this part was for her:

the cartographer of you.

And Some Great Need in Me Starts to Bleed.

this is messy and boring, yet that’s what makes it exciting. i get a rush from the disaster we’ve created; this collapsed tunnel of secrets. i’m waiting for some simple words to escape your lips, but they never come. i’m ready for the comfortable stage because although i get this incredible rush…. i just want to feel old with you. i don’t want to stop flushing when you end up behind me, or stop stuttering when you get too close. i don’t want to stop giggling with you or watching you do things just for my reaction, that’s not what i mean. i just want… something i can’t explain. i want all of that to stay, but i want to text you and not feel like i’m intruding. i want to stop and talk with you in the halls and not feel awkward when your friends stare. i want to acknowledge you every time i see you, even if it’s several times within a few minutes. i want to know that you show up in rooms just because you know i’ll be there, even when you act surprised..

there’s something beautiful about this, but i wonder if that’s enough..

Come Away With Me

i don’t know how to be here. i don’t know what i’m doing anymore. i don’t eat to be full. i don’t look to see. i don’t sleep to dream. and i surly don’t breathe to be alive. i was happy you know. i was that girl i’ve always wanted to be. and now… and now what? now who am i? who exactly have i become? i don’t know but i don’t recognize her. and i can’t be both her and i.

they’ll miss the taste of wanting you.

i’ve caught this awful case of love. maybe not the love everyone so wants to fall into, but a case quite unique in it’s own way. he’s not what i had planned and yet…. he’s so much better than the man i had hoped for. i can’t even begin to tell you how adorable and awkward and dorky and gorgeous he truly is. he’d never believe me if i told him. he’d look at me and say “you could never fall for someone like me.” or maybe he wouldn’t. because the look on my face makes my opinion of him quite obvious. or perhaps the wild shade of red that strikes my face could be the neon sign that screams HOW ARE YOU MISSING THIS?!

i mean, you don’t understand. YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND! i’m crazy, head-over-heels, disgustingly in awe of this boy. that’s what it is. it’s so much greater than that petty idea of puppy love. it’s awe. it’s complete and utter awestruck amazement. like i said, it’s a grade school crush, several years way too late.

‎”I couldn’t convince you that the blue you see is the same blue that I see. But maybe that’s how lovers know they’re meant to love; they see the same blue. And they both know it.”