Archive for March, 2010

Am I Catching up to You While You’re Running Away?

thoughtless babbles. don’t mind me really, it’s been a long drunken night avoiding my phone as to not call him. however, i seemed to have found my computer…

i keep trying to figure out why i want to keep you the way i had you. i don’t know why though, i don’t have any reason. we were cute but we weren’t anything special. you didn’t talk sweet to me, let’s be honest we barely talked at all. and i just keep trying to remember why i was fighting for this for so long, i know there’s a reason, but i can’t seem to remember. i’m not saying i don’t feel it anymore, because i do still feel the pain and the happiness. i just don’t remember what my reasoning was to fight for so damn long for nothing. you don’t wish for me anymore, so why should i wish for you? i thought of you always. did stupid things and was reminded of you always. like the time i got you the bulb off that kid’s lawn for you. what kind of girl would do that? why would anyone think to be daring and stupid just to make someone else happier? someone else who wasn’t even there at the time. but oh how your face glowed when i split out the lame story of the broken christmas bulb that sat in your outstretched hands. i don’t know, i will care about you but i don’t know if i want to will keep fighting. i don’t know if i want to text you or hope you text me. i don’t know if i want to wait for you to show up or tell me you want me. i’m just not sure because i’m so gray. yes, my dear black and white boy, i am gray and impermanent. your feelings of permanence are your own demise, to hope for something as silly as my undying affection. i change faster than the weather these days and could love you and hate you all within the same day, hour, minute, second. you take your pick. because right now this feels a lot like some sort of hate, but i know it’s love, deep down it’s always love when it’s about you, even when i wish it wasn’t.

Stop Tearing Out My Sutures!

Just a note:

I wouldn’t disown you even if you rejected me.

“And you were just about to tell me
How you think that you were sorry
And the lines we’ve said that
Never meant the world to you
Weighed me down lets keep it slow
Take every note and every page that keeps you longer
The cherry flavored kisses
Well I taste them
Do you miss it?”

I’ll be a Lover Over a Fighter Until the End.

Who Let Go new band I found, give them a listen.

I choose to move past this all.. I wrote him a note, since I won’t be giving it to him, I’ll give it to the general public to do with it what they wish..

I need you to understand something, I don’t want you to get mad but I have a feeling you will because here I am being frustrating again. I know. But you can’t do things like that to me, that’s not fair. You can’t cover me when I’m cold, touch my leg when we talk, or play with my hand like you used to. I watched you look at the ring. You can’t breathe in my hair and smile so I can feel it on the top of my head. Most of all, you can’t look at me like you’re going to kiss me, it made me nervous then and it makes me nervous now. Don’t give me butterflies, friends don’t do that. And don’t look at me like that! You know what I’m talking about. I’m not trying to be conceded but you’ve never given that face to any other girl in all the years I’ve known you, that’s my look. And you can’t tell me you don’t feel anything because you wouldn’t give me that look anymore if you didn’t feel anything towards me. And yeah, it bothers me because I still want to date. I don’t even care if it’s official, I just can’t be just your friend anymore because I guess I thought we were happy and I remember that feeling. I mean, I was happy. You made me happy. And I thought I made you happy, until you made it so very clear that I didn’t. Which is what I don’t understand. If I drive you that crazy, why come back now? I was doing really well. I stopped wanting to see you or text you, I stopped carrying around that damn tree that I’ve had with me since you gave it to me. I just stopped. I loved you enough to give you space, I loved you enough to try and fix it, and I loved you enough to try to be friends again. If you loved me at all, G-d, you’d just quit it! Either do something about it or stop doing it because I can’t keep getting these butterflies. You can’t keep doing things to get my hopes up because the aftermath really hurts me and I can’t hurt anymore.

funny how all of this works isn’t it?

“I love your face, your hair, regardless of your mood.”

A Rather Touchy Subject.

Okay, so this one is rather out there. I know a lot of people would rather not talk about it. And maybe I’m putting it out there in hopes that he will read it. It has been almost 6 years. I was an awkward teenager that was far too young for a man such as himself. He was older, goodness I don’t even remember by how much, but he was in college. I had met him at camp and I don’t know what I was thinking. If you asked me today, I probably couldn’t even tell you what he looked like. His name is like poison on my tongue and I’m not sure if it’s even really his. He was my demon to say the least.

I was so young. How could he do that to someone so young? Someone so innocent and uncomfortable? Had I not been so unaware, I could have prevented it. It was my own doing for being so young. I shouldn’t have let him in my room and I shouldn’t have been alone with him but I did and we were. We were so very alone. It was as if I was in a dream, or a nightmare rather. You know, the ones where you can’t scream. You open your mouth and you try and try but your lungs seem to collapse within you. It was like that. Only it was the pressure of him on top of me that prevented the screams. He didn’t succeed. I don’t know how he didn’t. He was so much bigger than I was.

I remember going to my friends, how I ended up outside in the first place is more than a blur. Not a single one believed me because they had all wanted his attention so badly. I mean, I understood. How could a boy such as that want a girl such as me? It was unbelievable, tragic even. But that is besides the point because regardless of whether or not they believed me, I know. And I had hurt, marks and bruises, tears and hours.

But I want you to know, if you just so happen to be out there, I’m beautiful. I’m beautiful despite you ruining me. Despite the fact that you tried what you did. I saved myself and you failed. You failed to ruin me. I may have felt dirty within my own skin for only God knows how long. But I am beautiful and I realized that for some reason today. I had known, but it took some reminding.

Well readers, this is why I don’t tell people who I am. No one knows that story, not really. But now you do, and I want you to know that if it’s happened to you, it was not your fault. No matter what, you did nothing to ‘ask for it’ and you sure as hell didn’t deserve it. I promise you that. Always.

I’d Die if I Saw You, Die if I Didn’t See You..

In Your Atmosphere by John Mayer

Have you ever been so overpowered by someone that you lose yourself? I’ve become so lost in him that I don’t remember the pain that I was growing numb to. It scares me because what if he leaves again? I would rather hide from him. I would have rather hid and not known. But now something is eating at him which in turn is eating at me and I’m lost in his eyes that I’ve only seen once in the last 7 weeks. That’s not fair but I don’t hate him for showing up again, I love him a little more. I am lost without him, honestly I am. Not because we dated, but because he was such a part of my life beforehand.

He’s so black and white and I’m so gray. Nothing in my life is absolute, that is my belief. Everything in his life is absolute, that is his. He’s not wrong, neither am I. We are just different. I think that’s how people are, the artist in me believes that. That if you live in the gray, your perfect match is the black and white person that fits your gray and vice versa. That two people who see the world in black and white and are together aren’t right for each other, they don’t blend and they don’t learn, the same goes for two gray people. Even if you don’t end up with your opposite, you need to at least know them, love them if only for a moment. They open up your eyes and help you feel. I feel more since my black and white boy showed up. The problem is, the person who sees things in black and white often doesn’t like to butt heads as often as the person who sees gray. I like to be fought, not for the fight itself but because people who give in to my whims bore me. I like to be told I’m wrong even if I really believe I’m not.

“I don’t think I’m gonna go to LA anymore..”

And I was a Cartographer, of the Tangles in your Hair.

It’s 1AM. 1AM and I wish I knew what was going on with my life. Have you ever had a thought that wouldn’t go away? Something that lingers in your head for so long that it becomes a feeling, then a pain. Well, the thought turned into a pain a few hours ago and then it turned into nervousness.

They disappear. The people that I love run off and disappear on me all the time. This one just always knows the exact time to show up again to save his ass. And just the right way to do it. What kind of boy shows up at your door out of the blue? It’s been 8 weeks since we’ve broken up. 8 weeks, 4 fights, 1 night at the movies, 1 phone conversation, billions of texts, 1 letter goodbye, and now he shows up. I told him I needed space, I was given one week. Am I over him? No, definitely not. Who shows up at someone’s house out of the blue!? In a tux nonetheless.. What kind of a boy offers his ex his tux jacket because she’s cold? Then gets upset when she offers to go in and get a jacket for herself so he’s not standing out in the cold in a t-shirt?

Oh, but let’s not forget my part. What kind of a girl gets butterflies when he says he’s outside? What kind of girl fixes her hair and her face after being in pajamas for hours? What kind of girl plays her ex the new songs she learned on guitar? The kind that isn’t over her ex, that’s the kind. Gosh, I can’t even call him that, it singes my tongue.

But riddle me this, what kind of boy is he? Who stands there and hugs their ex for 6 minutes? Why do this to me…? Why come back if we’re only to be friends?

The World Spins Madly On.

I realized today that all I do is miss. I will always miss everyone I meet because we are all destined to leave each other eventually. Don’t get me wrong, missing people is wonderful because it means you have people who you love and who may or may not return such feelings.

But if you had the choice, would you miss the world or hold it in your arms?

Because I have a something now. He was a past, but now he’s a present that I think one day may be a future.

Can I be Electric too?

Here I sit, the clock quickly reaching 3 am and still texting the boy from today. I like having someone to talk to, even if it’s just mindless rambling. I mean at this point, it must be… it’s been well over 7 consecutive hours.. but I just never grow tired of having a voice. Because even if it’s only texting, I can hear his voice as I read each word. No, don’t think that this means anything. I’m not interested in him, I just like the company. I’ve felt so empty. We talk about the significant others in our lives. About our day. What we’ve been thinking. It’s like just speaking to let the words spew out.

okay, that’s really all, off to my midterm… again.

Daydreams are Meant for Sunlight.

Sunshine- Person L

Another thought to put your mind at ease: Have you ever had a daydream that felt so real that you’ve been afraid of it?

This morning I devised a scenario in my head. I was going to watch some of my boys play football and the thought crossed my mind as I stepped into the shower that my ex may be there. When I had agreed to such plans, he had never even stepped into my thought process. You see, that apparently comes with “getting over someone”, you don’t always think of them. Now, football tends to get rough and for some odd reason, I had convinced myself that he would get hurt. Everything was all planned out, I had thought of everything from seeing him as he crossed the bleachers to him pulling up in his car, seeing me and putting it in reverse as fast as he could. I was fearless, prepared. At least up until I wrapped my head around him getting an injury. They’ve done everything from splitting lips to breaking a leg in three places. When it comes to being safe, my boys all fail miserably. Him ignoring me I could handle, but being the nurse at the scene made me antsy. Here I would be left, forced to converse and fix a boy I hadn’t spoken to in weeks because I would fix him. I’d be damned if the fear of speaking to him would mean I would leave him to fend for himself. But the daydream went so much farther than that and I started to feel nauseous. What if he needed to get to the hospital? What if we needed an ambulance? Would they let me go with him? If not, I would claim to be his sister, that could be believable.. But then I wondered if that was a felony, lying to the paramedics? I would do it without question if need be. I had gotten myself so worked up that almost 40 minutes had passed with me just standing in front of the shower head as the water that slammed against my back grew colder.

Does that happen to anyone else? Does anyone else’s imagination run away with them so often? Just wondering.

Welcome to the world of mirrors.

Random thought #459: Do we really look like what we see in the mirror.

Now seriously, think about this. Who decided that a mirror is the proper way to view oneself? It’s just always made me wonder. Some days I wake up and look so… empty, so sad. I don’t know what the cause of it is, but I can see it in my eyes when I look in the mirror. Does anyone else notice it? Is my smile really crooked when it’s insincere? Why has no one ever called me out on that? Then there are other days where it’s like the sun itself would be jealous of my glow. Is it the mirror who decides how I will appear to the rest of the world? Because merely getting out of bed doesn’t seem like it should effect my whole face, my body, my eyes..