i felt it all over again; that overwhelming magnification of emotion. the love, the lust, the rage; it all flooded into my soul as he touched my arm. my arm! i was enveloped and i hadn’t even been drinking yet. he watched me from across the room and our eyes locked. i knew, i knew that i was done for because he and i can’t stop whatever this is. regardless of the fact that i am unhappy 96% of the time with him, that 4% is deadly. so as i drank i got angry with him, with myself, with the fact that i can’t learn my lesson. the anger only makes it worse and i know that, it causes this awful pull to his being and i can’t break free.

they were playing some dumb game and i stood on the side opposite him, arms crossed and watched. he stared, like he couldn’t help himself. i never understood why he does that. finally everyone was ready to crash and of course we ended up next to each other, just like every time before. i avoided his eyes, knowing what was coming. i had hoped that if i kept my distance we would fall asleep and it would all be over in the morning, it always ended in the morning. he had other plans and i was quickly swimming in memories i had long since forgotten.

it’s not that i can’t save myself, it’s that i don’t want to.