Archive for July, 2011

Forgive Me First Love, but I’m Tired.

It can’t be an easy thing to hear from someone. To hear them strain to tell you they’re done, that there’s nothing left of them because they gave you everything. It must actually hurt the other person to no end if they still feel anything for that person.

I wasn’t trying to hurt you, I just wanted you to understand how I can’t go back to last summer. I wanted you to understand that even when I told you years ago that I wouldn’t leave you, no matter what, that you could stop testing that theory. That you could stop pushing me away and hurting me just to see if I really meant what I told you I really meant. And you heard me, or it seems like you did. You told me that we could go back to last summer when all you wanted to do was make me happy. And I’d love that, because I don’t get mad at people, not the way I do with you. I don’t blame you for that, but you can’t keep doing what you’re doing. I loved you once, I remember it and every now and again I remember the feelings and smiles and it warms that place in my heart where I left you. A part of me knows that we can’t work unless you change completely, but then what would there be for me to love?

Do you know that one thing that would make me happiest? Hearing you sing.

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And I Brace Myself, Please Don’t Tear This Apart.

This is an ode to the best friend. To the people who drop what they’re doing to come to your aid. Here’s to the friends who are woken up at an ungodly hour with drunk dials. To the people who leave the movie early to rush Ben and Jerry’s over to the broken hearted voice on the other end of the phone. This is for that time when they drove to your house at midnight because you had a fight. They sat outside in your driveway for hours because you refused to answer the phone and just speak to them. Here’s to the best friends that take you out for “dates” when you’re lonely. To the times when your wallet is just as empty as your stomach and they smile and tell you to just “forget about it”. The one’s who spend countless hours outside the fitting room listening to you whine that nothing fits. For the times that they were your sober buddy so that you could drink in peace. And when they then proceeded to hold your hair back while you puked after that way-too-wild night. This is for those endless walks so that you can work out the problems in your head. And for the times when they make a fool of themselves to make you feel comfortable. This is for the friends that will dance in the rain, lie under the stars, or scream in public.

You are the kind of friend that everyone needs, but not many people get. You are just a kind hearted, open minded, passive person willing to bend over backwards for the people you love. You deserve the very best, and sometimes those friends you take such good care of, forget that. But this is a short thank you for all that you do. This is my way of reminding you that you are appreciated. So here is a toast to you, the best friend, the kind of person everyone hopes to be.

 

Endless Eyes, the Immoveable did Bend.

I remember it like it was yesterday. I walked past him in the hallway and our eyes met and I thought his soul seems beautiful. Like most, I continued about my day, never knowing that that one silly moment could in fact change life as I knew it. I’ll never see him again, nothing to worry about. I left the cafeteria walking back to my new job at the end of the building. I turned the doorknob and stepped into the room. My boss writing on the chalkboard, gabbing away stopped and smiled at me. I waved and moved to put my things on the table in the middle of the room. I stepped forward, taking in the rest of the area and noticing a boy standing to my right, facing the board where my boss stood. His stance looked familiar, his hair; beautiful but from where? It was as if he felt my eyes on him and he turned. We stared at each other, unmoving for what seemed like an eternity. An awkward smile crossed his lips as his cheeks turned a harsh red and his hand raised into a wave, I felt my face flush as I broke eye contact. My boss gave the introductions and that was it: I was his by simply knowing the name that matched those eyes.

I Learned to Live Half Alive, and Now You Want Me One More Time.

This is what happens: You come home for the summer and I hope that you’re alone. And when you are, you seek me out. And every year I hope you want me just as badly as the year before. And every time you do. And I hope that you’re just lonely enough to want to be with me as much as I’d rather be with someone else. So we test the waters, and I play with your head the way you used to play with my heart. And I feel less lonely and less sad and cure what little emotions you have left. And we settle, like we always do. Me with you, and you with the idea of making this more than the nothing that it is. We don’t change, we don’t learn. And you’ll treat me nice when you want something or you haven’t seen me in a while. Just to trick me into getting used to the boy I once knew, but I know better than that these days. And you’ll call me names when you get drunk and sad, and sometimes it will get to me. But mostly I get angry with you because I’m bored. I’ll start a useless fight just to feel something towards you, even if it’s hate. And it will hurt you the way it used to hurt me.

The way it used to feel back when I loved you, because at one point, I did love you.

I’ll get Tired of the Heart Attacks, Every Time it Rings.

You don’t like it when I ignore you. You like it even less when I’m friendly to your friend, or perhaps he’s your adversary. And it’s threatening to you, I can tell by the way you place yourself between us. So you answer my texts faster when I’m with him, and you make yourself heard if you feel shunned. Come on boy, I’m trying to get to you! I’m trying to make you tick so you do something. Just do something!  I think even he can tell by the way I look at you. I’m begging you to either be here, or leave.

I’m hoping you choose the first… because I’d rather not be without you.