it’s so hard to explain, this uneasy hatred that isn’t really hatred for anything but my emotions. i don’t hate him, no matter what i say and how much i want to mean it. i could do better, i deserve better. but i don’t want anyone but him. it’s the most complex feeling i’ve ever dealt with. no matter how many times i walk away, and i fight for a new life with a new man; a new love, i always go back. it’s not happiness with him anymore, but it’s certainly not comfortability either. it’s complicated, to the point in which i can’t even understand why i stick around. the times that he makes me miserable outweigh the joy to no end. but for some reason when i am happy with him, as rare as that may be, it feels right. he feels right, i just don’t want him to be. i want him to just leave me be, but on my terms (go figure). he will never be the best thing for me and i know he’ll only seem like the right guy until the real one walks into my life. i hope it’s soon, i can’t take this much longer.

“I know we made a world together, something out of ice, and stars, something like deep sea diving, cold and painful and beautiful and true, but it makes me mad that anything I do now has to be in relation to that.”