we aren’t as lonely as we pretend to be. it’s just a ruse so we don’t end up alone because who would really want that? it’s not as scary as we make it out to be.. being alone. they aren’t synonymous you know… being alone and being lonely.

my mind is in a fog, a lot like the weather outside. i can’t even focus long enough to express what i’m thinking. if i’m thinking anything at all. maybe it’s the music blaring in my ears or because my phone keeps going off. maybe it’s because i don’t want it to be him. maybe it’s because i’ve had this idea of being lonely drilled into my head by every sad song and romantic movie so i think that’s how it should feel. or maybe it’s because i can’t stand my best friend anymore.

change— it’s usual. it’s what happens when you grow up. but to have a retrogressing personality while being convinced you’re maturing is an overwhelming force to be around. maybe it’s because of exactly what she said. i stayed home. i didn’t go off to school to get trashed every single weekend and to have no responsibility besides attending 3 or 4 courses.  maybe it’s because i don’t like to party like they do or because i’ve grown here. i am not a college student. i never was a college student. i am not lonely or irresponsible. i never was.