somehow, my mother has become my best friend. i don’t regret it, that’s not why i’m starting this post out that way. it’s that she is my best friend and i fear i’m going to lose her all the time. i want to go away, really, i do. i want out of this town, out of this state, out of this skin. yet i never seem to be able to get very far. she always brings me back. it’s not her fault, and i don’t blame her, even when i’m angry. it’s that i know it hurts her too, to see me waste away in a place that i don’t want to be. but i can’t do it again. i cannot pick up and leave and become comfortable somewhere else only to learn that i have to come back here again. i’d rather just stay. because it’s up to me, my siblings won’t come back if she needs them, not that she would ever admit she needs anyone.

so i’m sorry mom, not that you’ll ever read this, because you can’t figure out the internet for the life of you (and i love you for that). and i don’t blame you, i won’t ever blame you. because this is just as much for me as it is for you. i’d never forgive myself if something happened to you and i wasn’t here to at least attempt to save you. i love you very, very much. and yes, i really would miss you when i went away.

happy mother’s day ❤

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