Things like this; they aren’t sad anymore. I can’t hate you and I don’t want to. It’s just, I realize something sober that I don’t drunk: you will always let me down. You will hurt me and abuse me and abandon me. You can say you won’t. You can beg me to stay and to hold on a little longer, but who’s kidding who here?

Yes, I may text you or call you or think of you after a little too much drinking, but the fact is I delete the texts, I forget the calls, the thoughts disappear once the morning comes around again. I suppose I messed up this time around because I must have passed out before your last text went through. I read it as the sunlight crept into the dorm room and wondered what it meant; my mistake. I questioned what I could have said to you because maybe it wasn’t as destructive as usual. But getting your curt response was a jolt back to reality. I do not want to be with you. I may love you, adore you, miss you, but I’m not stupid and all of the above will disappear in time. I’ve been surviving without you. Better yet, I’ve been happy without you. So I’m sorry that you want to hear those words leave my lips so badly still. I’m sorry you’re hanging onto the hope that I will once again beg you to stay. Here I am saying I won’t. I will never say anything to that effect ever again. Good night.

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