Today is the day I’ve been dreading all week. At moments, I had forgotten it was a real thing that I was mourning. Sometimes, I felt really okay, because it’s been four years without you here and I’ve survived just fine. Because every once in a while I stop to take a breath and can smile. But then I think about it and hate myself for growing away from you. I had been so sure that I would always stay rooted where I was. I was so sure that it didn’t matter how old I became because I would always be your princess and I would always love you just the same. And it’s not that I don’t love you, it’s not that I love you any less than before, it’s that you’ve stopped showing up. You aren’t in my dreams checking up on me. You don’t stop in just to give me one of your hugs and a kiss on the forehead like you used to every so often. You don’t do that at all anymore. And I hate you for it sometimes because I miss you so badly. I don’t blame you, I blame me if anything. But I just don’t want you to think you’re forgotten because that won’t happen. My thoughts of you may appear blurry and I may forget your voice and the exact shape of your smile but I hear you in everyone that talks. Sometimes I even hear a laugh like your’s and I freeze to take it in. When I turn around it’s never you, but I know you’re gone. I don’t really ever think it’s going to be you. It’s just a silent hope.

 

My protector. My sarcastic conversation starter. My late night story. My big bear hug. My homework helper. My encourager. My teaser. My screaming buddy. My reason for being stronger. My excuse for watching scary movies. My Grey’s Anatomy buddy. My embarrassing dancer. My cheering squad everywhere I went. My butterfly kisses. My Superman. I love you. I miss you.

Love always, Your Little Princess.

Advertisements