this is a bit of an edit from a conversation I had. it doesn’t need to be read, but if you want, go for it.

to be honest, i’ve realized i haven’t had a relationship.

that’s the thing.

i’ve never really had a relationship, so i can’t cast the idea aside.

i get that you’re a little jaded from your past few. and i don’t disrespect your decision in not dating. i just have to prove to myself that a relationship isn’t what i want, you know?

i’m not saying i want the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing. because once someone starts calling me their girlfriend i will do anything to run clear in the opposite direction

but a few dates here and there, having a steady “something” even if he’s not just mine.

i think i’d want that, if he treated me right. i didn’t mind what ___ and i had, i just didn’t want it to be ___ i had it with.

i guess i’m thinking this way because i can’t keep saying i’m lonely and alone. because i’m not.

but i want something more than what i already have. and the problem is that with most of my guy friends, that whole friend/relationship line is really blurred.

i mean, i was with two of my best friends. and the third wanted a relationship with me before he left for school.

that’s just fucked up.

so if i had someone who was strictly more than a friend, that friend line would be clear. because it always is when i have someone.

does that make any sense?

most people do stuff with friends cuz you know them and can trust them, but then it causes problems within the relationship.

like it’s not like i don’t love ____, ____, and _____, i do. but i can honestly tell you that my love for each of them is really different now and i don’t want to keep doing that.

i can’t keep searching for a future in my pasts

so how do i get out of it?