“Why? All I want is to run away to be with you. Request denied – always. I would attempt a trust fall, had I not been left to fall on my own in the past. The cruelest song lyric I’ve ever thought about was that Better Midler song. “It must have been cold there in my shadow; to never have sunlight on your face.”

[Such fantastic advice earlier… from an alias.] Confusion? Stress test? If so, It’s working. If so. I can’t tell. You know exactly who I am and exactly how to reach me openly if you felt like it. You know precisely why I have been cautious about protecting you from me and you know precisely how I tick and precisely how much I love you. ND, right twinnie?

I see how fabulous you are at protecting yourself. Go ahead… erase me. I dislike putting horns against arrows but I can’t seem to get past one irrefutable concept. Which is to say that if you were ever serious about loving me back, there would be irrefutable evidence. Not seeming resentment over my concerns about maintaining a residence.

I don’t care about “stuff.” I cared about us… until I hear confirmation that you only have room for you. My heart breaks in two. You wonder why I have trust issues. And yet I love you anyway. I’m weak, I guess. Tired too. ❤

Tomorrow is a new day. Sleep well and then let’s start anew, Sweetheart. GN. (back-rub)”

i’d like to say he wrote this. i’d like to say he planted it on the site he so clearly knows i visit religiously. i’d like to say that this is what i’ve always wanted, for him to admit he needs me, loves me. i’d like to say that after all these years and all the battles i would still willingly feel the same way i always have.

alas, he’s lost me once more. all because he’s unwilling to say any of this to my face. i’m weak and tired too, but there’s one thing i no longer am: undeniably in love with you.

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