a drunken mind speaks a sober heart. am i surprised? well yes, a little bit. i mean come on now, this is just getting ridiculous. don’t be friends with the opposite sex. just don’t do it, it’s not wise.

one minute he’s telling me i’m ugly (you know, the way boys say things) and the next, he’s on top of me, or i was on top of him, or something along those lines. i can’t keep “falling into” my best friends. it’s too exhausting. i’m too tired.

it’s not love, not with him. it can’t be. i’m not even sure it’s lust. that’s not even logical. not that he’s not gorgeous, he is. and not that i don’t love him, because i do. it’s just not supposed to be like that. and i’m sure he’s thinking the same thing.

afterwards, you would think things would be awkward, but they weren’t. we crack jokes and offer each other “company”.

i suppose this was all pent up. maybe, maybe there is something possibly hidden down there. out of them all, i miss him the most. that’s what happens when a girl opens up. and with me, there are a lot of walls to tear down. right before he left for school, there i was ripping them down layer by layer and i guess he just reached the core of me that night. that part that no one’s really ever seen. the center of me; my pure, raw emotions. because that’s how i am with him. i am every color that i could possibly be.

i was his refuge when things went bad, and he mine. we had skinny dipped together. i had collapsed into his arms weeping when “The Best Friend” incident happened. i begged him to see me before he left. he surprised me when he came home and there i was, leaping into his arms.. i suppose the signs were there in neon lights but i will not read them, even now. i want him this way all the same. beginning to end. this way.