Yesterday I settled down. I found a nice boy who treats me right and figured I’d jump at it but already I feel like something is off. I have this theory that when it’s right, it’s right. Not that it will be perfect, actually I expect the flaws. I think that will be the part I fall in love with the most. Perhaps because I, myself, am such a flawed being that I want someone much like myself.

I think Dr. Bailey from Grey’s Anatomy said it best this thursday. “You’re a good man, you are a handsome and kind and smart and good… You’re perfect. But umm, I’m busy… holding myself together with tape and glue. And a piece of me wishes that you hadn’t played golf because then you’d be all taped and glued too and then maybe you’d be where I am..”

I am so busy holding myself together, and as badly as I want something, someone, anyone I just can’t. I get so close and back away because I’m afraid. I’m afraid that I will be too much because often times I am too much. But when it’s right, it will be right. I stand behind that truth. He won’t have to fight to hold on to me because I’ll be willing to stay. I try to stay now, try to see what it feels like to be happy, and sometimes I am happy. But it never really lasts for long, and the reason behind that is beyond me. So for now, I will squirm in the place that I’m in. I’ll be silent and take the happiness as it comes because I make him happy. For now, I am what makes him happy and that makes this feel okay to me. That makes me… something like happy.

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