I said it to him. Yeah, so it was through text. But never once have I said directly to someone that I wasn’t going anywhere. That I was willing to stick around and change because it’s what I wanted. Only a month and I’ve said that already? Unhealthy. Not normal. I’m a cynic, he knows it, I know it. We’ve always known it, all these 5+ years. But neither of us were ever willing to change. Now suddenly something inside me has changed. Perhaps I’m just ready to grow up. To grow old. Oh, how badly I want to grow old with somebody. Anybody. Him.

This is messy, I can already sense it. One month without a label and I feel free still and he feels free but why won’t we put a title on it? We’re afraid aren’t we? Or maybe I mean nothing to him, like the others. See, there’s that cynic I’ve been looking for.. I don’t know what to do anymore.

“I throw my whole body, my soul into the fall, into love, into that new person. I can’t help it, I love and then think about how I’ll pick up my bones later. I’ll do this every time no matter how much I’m hating fixing up my wounds right now. My brain always reaches the rest of my body way too late and it begins again.”

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