We’ve never done this before. In the scheme of things, I’m not her. You do realize that right? Because it scares me. I’m nothing like any of those other girls. And we’ve never done this before. I know, we agreed on the distraction thing, kudos to you holding up your end so well by the way, with the smiles you can put on my face so easily. I just don’t know if this is real because we’re so good at faking and denying everything. We’ve always pretended this way. You tell me how badly you need me and I deny ever thinking of you. I tell you how much you mean to me and you shrug it off and fein some sort of indifference.

Your family loves me, do you remember drunkenly slurring that into my face?Hah, oh how I adore them. Yesterday was the perfect dose of just what I’ve been missing, a family. Don’t get me wrong, I have my own family, a wonderful one at that. But they’re all so far from here, so far from a home that isn’t any of their’s anymore, and soon won’t even be mine. Do you have any idea how attractive just your family alone makes you? I guess that’s a strange thing to hear but they make me love you more. Maybe not love, love, just our love. The kind of love that’s been there for us from the second you were my section captain. Oh, how you took care of me. How you could make me glow. And how you taught me everything I needed to know. That single year you became one of the few people to save me because back then, I needed to be saved.

But it all seems like a dream, a silly, nonsensical dream. Were we really in each other’s arms? Was my hair really something you could love? And my face something worth touching and smiling about? Were you seriously that tangible to me? For me, you’re all I’ve expected. But how long will that last? What are the chances of us staying here? Not reverting back to the monsters we were. Remember them? The ones that purposely ripped at each other’s chests and rib cages to tear out the hearts we wanted to claim as our own? We were each other’s property and it was unhealthy because of the relationships we had surrounding us. I mean, it would be unhealthy either way, but what we had was far worse than it should have gotten.

Everyone’s awaiting our failure you know, if we were to ever become something of sorts. I guess we are something, just an unmarked territory kind of something. But I think otherwise, I don’t think we’ll fail. I think last night was proof of that. I can sacrifice for you, willingly. And you can fight for my happiness. One better, you can fight me. Not to break my heart, although I’m sure you could, but to let me get it out of my system. You know I need that, I’ve always needed that.

“i’m telling you you’re beautiful and i don’t even want to f*ck you. i don’t want anything from you except to spend every night sleeping next to you. i don’t want anything but for you to hold me, let me hold you, breathe you in, listen to your thoughts running through my fingers.”

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