I’ve been told a large array of stupid things this past week…

They say that I should just hook up with him, my black and white boy. Just do it and see what happens, because if he really does love me the way he says, he’ll pursue me. Does anyone else see a problem with this? Forgive me for being old fashioned and a bit of a romantic.. but I thought the man wasn’t in it purely for the physical.

I just, I know my heart.. I know what I can and can’t take. I can take being with him if it leads somewhere… But what if it doesn’t? What then? I’d be worse off than I was in the beginning. Well, at least at first.

See, because then there’s the other side of me who realizes that if in fact it doesn’t lead to anything, I would walk away and be done with it. I had walked away before. I had done well without him on most days. I missed him, I did, but it was nothing unbearable.

It’s this tragic in between I can’t stand and I wonder how he does it. I wonder if I mattered at all. If he misses the smell of my hair that he used to rave about or my curves that fit so perfectly beside him. If he misses me fitting comfortably across him or if he’s found someone new because I’ve looked and I haven’t found anyone else that I work with. I know when he sees me he feels something, he misses it all but strangely when I’m with him, I’m okay. I act so calm and cool because he’s beside me but the second he’s gone I crumble. Is it the opposite for him? Does he only think of me when I’m standing in front of his gorgeous eyes?

I don’t know, I just don’t think I’ll pursue anything at all. I keep trying to let him go, he has to stop holding on.

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