thoughtless babbles. don’t mind me really, it’s been a long drunken night avoiding my phone as to not call him. however, i seemed to have found my computer…

i keep trying to figure out why i want to keep you the way i had you. i don’t know why though, i don’t have any reason. we were cute but we weren’t anything special. you didn’t talk sweet to me, let’s be honest we barely talked at all. and i just keep trying to remember why i was fighting for this for so long, i know there’s a reason, but i can’t seem to remember. i’m not saying i don’t feel it anymore, because i do still feel the pain and the happiness. i just don’t remember what my reasoning was to fight for so damn long for nothing. you don’t wish for me anymore, so why should i wish for you? i thought of you always. did stupid things and was reminded of you always. like the time i got you the bulb off that kid’s lawn for you. what kind of girl would do that? why would anyone think to be daring and stupid just to make someone else happier? someone else who wasn’t even there at the time. but oh how your face glowed when i split out the lame story of the broken christmas bulb that sat in your outstretched hands. i don’t know, i will care about you but i don’t know if i want to will keep fighting. i don’t know if i want to text you or hope you text me. i don’t know if i want to wait for you to show up or tell me you want me. i’m just not sure because i’m so gray. yes, my dear black and white boy, i am gray and impermanent. your feelings of permanence are your own demise, to hope for something as silly as my undying affection. i change faster than the weather these days and could love you and hate you all within the same day, hour, minute, second. you take your pick. because right now this feels a lot like some sort of hate, but i know it’s love, deep down it’s always love when it’s about you, even when i wish it wasn’t.

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